I’m concerned about your marriage. I’m not suggesting that anything is wrong with it, but I do know that sometimes marriage issues sneak up on us. They start small and grow from irritations to resentment to divisiveness over time. It would be good to talk about solutions before problems get out of hand.

Furthermore, many people are hesitant to talk about their marriage with others. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s shame or a belief that they’re the only ones with the problems, or they’re merely trying to protect their spouse, but the reality is that even good marriages experience challenges. What makes them good is that the challenges are identified and adjustments are made.

It’s been said that “Marriage isn’t so much finding the right person as it is being the right person.” Although it is important to choose wisely whom you’re going to marry, it’s also true that marriage is a sanctifying process. Even marrying an angel will produce challenges in each of us. When we get married, we learn more about our selfishness and control issues than we ever knew we had.

Furthermore, marriage is a ministry. It’s an opportunity to lay down our lives for our mate. But a healthy marriage isn’t just about keeping the peace and reducing the tension. God wants your marriage to be a mission. Marriage is two people partnering together to serve the Lord in life. And when they have children, those kids participate in the mission to strengthen themselves with God’s grace and bless others.

With those thoughts in mind, let’s turn to some exercises that will strengthen your marriage. Each one is designed to remove a little bit of selfishness and increase Christ-likeness.

But what if my spouse doesn’t want to work on our relationship? Even if your spouse isn’t interested in participating, you can do a lot. The fact is, you are growing and changing, and marriage is one of the tools God uses to change you. These exercises will help you work out your salvation in your marriage and help you grow spiritually, even if no one else in your home contributes. Recognizing that God wants to do a work in you through your marriage can provide you with a mission to move forward.

The key is to start with yourself. Do all you can to be the person Jesus wants you to be. Ideally, your spouse is interested in becoming more Christlike as well, and, then to train and empower children to also grow in Christlikeness. Sharing that message with others outside the family then further blesses the family as a whole and contributes to family identity.

If you and your family can take each exercise, practice it in family life, and then apply it to those outside your home, you will demonstrate what it means to be a missional family.

It’s too short-sighted to think that the goal of family life is to be happy. Rather, the goal is to fulfill the God-given mission that He has given to you. With these 12 exercises, you will become something bigger and better for God’s kingdom. And, if others in your family are too busy or unwilling to participate, then you’ll grow personally in your sanctification before God.

Exercise #1: Practice Thankfulness

Each day identify specific things that you are thankful for that your spouse does. Some of these might be common activities. Others might be incidental. Thankfulness builds a grateful heart and protects a person from developing resentment and a critical spirit. John 12 gives a beautiful story of a contrast between Mary who gave a gift of gratefulness for Jesus’ raising her brother from the dead, and Judas who was selfish, critical and resentful. Be on guard against these dangers and practice thanksgiving to keep your heart in the right place.

Develop thankfulness in yourself, practice it in your home, and together, discuss ways you can thank others outside your home.

Exercise #2: Practice Admiration

Take some time to identify three things your spouse does better than you. What quality in your spouse is demonstrated by these things? Take time to admire your spouse for this quality. This practice will help you reduce your own pride and value the strengths of your mate. It’s especially meaningful to do this with children because it points out their strengths and contributes to their identity. And when they admire something in their parents, it reduces their own tendency toward selfishness. In Song of Solomon 5:14-16, the beloved is admiring her spouse. No wonder their relationship is so special. We all can find others we admire but many people never take the time to share their admiration. You are different and your practice of admiration goes a long way.

Exercise #3: Practice Listening

Ask your spouse a question and then ask a follow-up question to listen deeper. Most people ask a question and then start talking about themselves. If you truly listen to a person, you’ll develop attentiveness in your heart. Listening is a ministry. In James 1:19, we usually emphasize the importance of reducing anger, but the first words in the verse encourage listening. This is often difficult but very valuable to help a person manage themselves internally. Listen to others in your home. Teach them to listen as well, and then look for ways to ask follow-up questions outside your home.

Exercise #4: Practice Prayer

Why do so many couples not take advantage of this opportunity to connect spiritually? Whatever the reasons, it’s best to get over them and reach into this powerful connection tool. Prayer increases vulnerability in one’s heart, an essential quality of a good relationship. You might ask your spouse to pray for something that concerns you or ask how you might pray for your spouse. Praying together is strategic for children as well. It exercises a part of their heart that will accompany them for years to come. 1 Timothy 2:1-4 takes your prayers to the next level and allows you to use prayer as a ministry to others.

Exercise #5: Practice Kindness

It just takes a little more time to consider someone else. It would be helpful to give a gift of kindness each day to your spouse. This exercise builds graciousness in one’s heart and practices servanthood, an important quality of Christians in general, and in marriage in particular. If you’re on the lookout to be kind, your heart will gravitate toward godliness. 1 Corinthians 13:4 reminds us that kindness is an important demonstration of love. Planning random acts of kindness as a family toward people outside your home can increase your family identity and pass on important life skills to your children.

Exercise #6: Practice Joy

Look for ways daily to express joyfulness. If you don’t tend to be emotionally expressive, this is particularly a good exercise. Smile, raise your eyebrows and say something positive about life. Joy causes us to reflect on what’s most meaningful. It doesn’t come from experiences as much as it comes from a depth of God at work. Philippians 4:4 reminds us of the source of joy. This exercise in a family encourages individuals to be God-focused in their lives. As you practice this, you can be the ones who bring sunshine into the lives of others.

Exercise #7: Practice Learning

Relationships can become stagnant and need fresh new insight regularly. As an activity, you might look at a Bible passage together and share with each other an application or insight. The Bible is so practical and reminds us continually of ways we can connect with God, rearrange our thinking and practice life His way. Joshua 1:8 makes the importance of God’s Word clear. Children benefit from regularly seeing their parents readjust life based on the Bible. Sharing scriptural insight with others can touch people significantly.

Exercise #8: Practice Service

One of the things that grow relationships together is to work together on a project or activity. Serving the Lord creates the added benefit of enhancing your vision as partners in service to Christ. Joshua 24:15 expresses the commitment that a family can have to serve God. One of the greatest ways that children can capture the faith for themselves is to see God working through them in service to others. Intentionally approaching church or a sports activity with an eye to serve does something inside of the servant.

Exercise #9: Practice Contentment

People are driven to be happy and often look for activities and things to continually fill that need. Contentment looks deeper and learns to live within limits without feeling anxious. Practicing contentment addresses a core challenge in anyone’s heart: complaining. Look for ways to put a hold on buying or upgrading or the continual need for activity. Hebrews 13:5 is a good reminder of the value of contentment. Children need this life skill because their definition of need is often out of proportion. Look for ways to find enjoyment in a simple lifestyle. Encourage family members to be on the hunt for enjoyment without getting more stuff. Consider how you might encourage others outside your family to do the same.

Exercise #10: Practice Generosity

It’s been said that we are most like God when we give. Look for ways to give to others. Blessing another family or giving to a need at church can draw you closer to your mate because you are focusing on your mission together, to give back, not just to take. Jesus describes the value of giving in Luke 6:38. It’s one of the more powerful exercises for the heart of a person. When you give as a family, children see the benefit, and the exercise contributes to their spiritual development.

Exercise #11: Practice Justice

Look for ways to help those who are suffering in society. Consider poverty, homelessness, abortion, elderly, racism and other social issues. Justice draws two heart qualities together: holiness and compassion. Micah 6:8 is a call for all believers to practice justice in our world. Marriages develop conviction, and children develop passion when they grasp the power of justice in practical ways. This is one of those qualities that’s naturally practiced outside the home.

Exercise #12: Practice Unity

Do you tend to be an agreeable person or a disagreeable person? Agreeable people are warm, friendly, gracious and tactful. Disagreeable people are critical, angry, contentious and argumentative. Take a good look at yourself and make changes to become someone who encourages unity. Identify things you have in common with your spouse and draw attention to them. Regularly look for ways to communicate unity in your home. 1 Corinthians 1:10 is an appeal to unity for the church and is definitely needed in the home as well. Children may become disagreeable and teaching them unity can help overcome this negative tendency. Look for ways to express and develop unity with others outside your home.

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In our church, we emphasize one Marriage Exercise a month. It’s our goal to build disciples and to encourage family life as a place to practice. If you’d like the colorful exercise pages that we mail to every married person’s home each month, email me at scott@biblicalparenting.org, and I’ll send them to you. You are free to use these ideas and handouts to advance the kingdom.

Some children start pulling away from spiritual pursuits as they get older. They might not want to pray at dinner, seem to endure church, and are more interested in electronics and friends than spiritual things. Those tendencies are early indications of a trend in Christian families of kids who leave the church after they graduate from high school. Here’s what you can do now to reverse that trend and help your kids get spiritually engaged. Take the story of twelve-year-old Mark for example. He seemed to be drifting from the faith and his parents decided to do something about it. Here’s what they did. In fact, these are three things you can do with your family this year to engage your kids spiritually.

Energize Your Family Devotions

Dad and Mom determined to add an exciting devotional experience for Mark and his two younger sisters. They called it Family Time. Once a week, Dad and Mom would prepare an activity that illustrated a biblical truth. One week they told their kids to get their running shoes on for devotions. That puzzled them all and they came to the Family Time with a sense of anticipation. Dad read them the parable of the man who found the treasure in the field and sold all he had to buy that field so that he could own the treasure. Then Dad told them that he had created a number of clues in the back yard with a treasure at the end. He handed the first clue to Mark that said, “Look under the trash can.” Mark ran with his sisters out to the backyard and started the hunt. After about eight clues he ended up finding a plastic container filled with their favorite cookies that Mom had made. Then they talked about why the truths of God are worth so much.

The next week they talked about withstanding the fiery darts of the devil with the shield of faith as described in Ephesians 6:16. They took rolled up socks and threw them at each other and used a pillow as a shield to ward them off. Then they talked about temptations that might harm each of them.
Another time Mom read 1 Thessalonians 5:11, “Build one another up.” The activity that day was to build a human pyramid and then talk about ways that they tear down and build each other up in their family. The kids became excited for devotions each week as these parents used the language of children to teach their kids about biblical truths.

Seeing God Work

Dad and Mom continued their mission by raising the bar a bit. Every couple of days they asked the question, “How did you see God work today?” At first, the kids didn’t know what to say, but Dad and Mom gave them ideas including ones they could relate to. Mom told about the beautiful sunset she enjoyed and Dad told about an answer to prayer about a difficult meeting at work. They prayed more specifically as a family, asking God to show them each how they could fit into his plan.

Dad and Mom were surprised when Mark came home from school and said,

“When are you going to ask us the question?”

“What question?”

“The one about seeing God work?”

Mark had a story to tell and as he shared it at dinner, his parents smiled because they were seeing their son become spiritually engaged.

Sometimes children view God as irrelevant to their daily lives. Asking this kind of question encourages Level-Three thinking. Level-One thinking is where children spent most of the time. It has to do with the activity they’re involved in right now, playing on the iPad, eating lunch, or walking around the house. Level-Two thinking asks responsibility questions such as, “What time is it?” “What else should I be working on now?” or, “Should I be sharing this iPad with my brother?”
Level-Three thinking asks the question, “What is God doing in the world right now?” It’s fun to watch children share exciting things that they’re seeing in the world right now about God’s activity. When parents become spiritually transparent, kids see it.

Serve the Lord as a Family

Some kids develop a rather selfish view of life, always thinking about themselves and rarely thinking of others. When this takes place, kids often lose sight of the value of church as a place to serve and miss out on opportunities to help others. Mark’s parents decided to make changes in this area of family life as well.

Dad and Mom also told the pastor at church that they, as a family, would help with greeting every other week. Mark began to see church as a place to give and serve, not just as a place to meet friends or learn.
Mark is growing spiritually because his parents looked for practical ways to engage him with what God wants to do in him personally. God wants to work in the lives of children, and parents can be the facilitators of that growth. The plan you use to strengthen your family must be intentional and engaging for kids. Parents pass the faith on to their kids. If parents have an unnoticeable faith, that in turn is the faith that they’re passing on to their children.

What might God have you to do in 2015 to excite your children about the Lord and engage them spiritually?

The ideas from this article come from the teaching presented in the book Motivate Your Child. Learn more about resources from the National Center for Biblical Parenting at: biblicalparenting.org.

Dr. Scott Turansky is a co-founder of the National Center for Biblical Parenting. He and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN have written 13 books on parenting, trained over 120 presenters to teach live parenting seminars, and they themselves teach around the country most every week.