I’m concerned about your marriage. I’m not suggesting that anything is wrong with it, but I do know that sometimes marriage issues sneak up on us. They start small and grow from irritations to resentment to divisiveness over time. It would be good to talk about solutions before problems get out of hand.

Furthermore, many people are hesitant to talk about their marriage with others. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s shame or a belief that they’re the only ones with the problems, or they’re merely trying to protect their spouse, but the reality is that even good marriages experience challenges. What makes them good is that the challenges are identified and adjustments are made.

It’s been said that “Marriage isn’t so much finding the right person as it is being the right person.” Although it is important to choose wisely whom you’re going to marry, it’s also true that marriage is a sanctifying process. Even marrying an angel will produce challenges in each of us. When we get married, we learn more about our selfishness and control issues than we ever knew we had.

Furthermore, marriage is a ministry. It’s an opportunity to lay down our lives for our mate. But a healthy marriage isn’t just about keeping the peace and reducing the tension. God wants your marriage to be a mission. Marriage is two people partnering together to serve the Lord in life. And when they have children, those kids participate in the mission to strengthen themselves with God’s grace and bless others.

With those thoughts in mind, let’s turn to some exercises that will strengthen your marriage. Each one is designed to remove a little bit of selfishness and increase Christ-likeness.

But what if my spouse doesn’t want to work on our relationship? Even if your spouse isn’t interested in participating, you can do a lot. The fact is, you are growing and changing, and marriage is one of the tools God uses to change you. These exercises will help you work out your salvation in your marriage and help you grow spiritually, even if no one else in your home contributes. Recognizing that God wants to do a work in you through your marriage can provide you with a mission to move forward.

The key is to start with yourself. Do all you can to be the person Jesus wants you to be. Ideally, your spouse is interested in becoming more Christlike as well, and, then to train and empower children to also grow in Christlikeness. Sharing that message with others outside the family then further blesses the family as a whole and contributes to family identity.

If you and your family can take each exercise, practice it in family life, and then apply it to those outside your home, you will demonstrate what it means to be a missional family.

It’s too short-sighted to think that the goal of family life is to be happy. Rather, the goal is to fulfill the God-given mission that He has given to you. With these 12 exercises, you will become something bigger and better for God’s kingdom. And, if others in your family are too busy or unwilling to participate, then you’ll grow personally in your sanctification before God.

Exercise #1: Practice Thankfulness

Each day identify specific things that you are thankful for that your spouse does. Some of these might be common activities. Others might be incidental. Thankfulness builds a grateful heart and protects a person from developing resentment and a critical spirit. John 12 gives a beautiful story of a contrast between Mary who gave a gift of gratefulness for Jesus’ raising her brother from the dead, and Judas who was selfish, critical and resentful. Be on guard against these dangers and practice thanksgiving to keep your heart in the right place.

Develop thankfulness in yourself, practice it in your home, and together, discuss ways you can thank others outside your home.

Exercise #2: Practice Admiration

Take some time to identify three things your spouse does better than you. What quality in your spouse is demonstrated by these things? Take time to admire your spouse for this quality. This practice will help you reduce your own pride and value the strengths of your mate. It’s especially meaningful to do this with children because it points out their strengths and contributes to their identity. And when they admire something in their parents, it reduces their own tendency toward selfishness. In Song of Solomon 5:14-16, the beloved is admiring her spouse. No wonder their relationship is so special. We all can find others we admire but many people never take the time to share their admiration. You are different and your practice of admiration goes a long way.

Exercise #3: Practice Listening

Ask your spouse a question and then ask a follow-up question to listen deeper. Most people ask a question and then start talking about themselves. If you truly listen to a person, you’ll develop attentiveness in your heart. Listening is a ministry. In James 1:19, we usually emphasize the importance of reducing anger, but the first words in the verse encourage listening. This is often difficult but very valuable to help a person manage themselves internally. Listen to others in your home. Teach them to listen as well, and then look for ways to ask follow-up questions outside your home.

Exercise #4: Practice Prayer

Why do so many couples not take advantage of this opportunity to connect spiritually? Whatever the reasons, it’s best to get over them and reach into this powerful connection tool. Prayer increases vulnerability in one’s heart, an essential quality of a good relationship. You might ask your spouse to pray for something that concerns you or ask how you might pray for your spouse. Praying together is strategic for children as well. It exercises a part of their heart that will accompany them for years to come. 1 Timothy 2:1-4 takes your prayers to the next level and allows you to use prayer as a ministry to others.

Exercise #5: Practice Kindness

It just takes a little more time to consider someone else. It would be helpful to give a gift of kindness each day to your spouse. This exercise builds graciousness in one’s heart and practices servanthood, an important quality of Christians in general, and in marriage in particular. If you’re on the lookout to be kind, your heart will gravitate toward godliness. 1 Corinthians 13:4 reminds us that kindness is an important demonstration of love. Planning random acts of kindness as a family toward people outside your home can increase your family identity and pass on important life skills to your children.

Exercise #6: Practice Joy

Look for ways daily to express joyfulness. If you don’t tend to be emotionally expressive, this is particularly a good exercise. Smile, raise your eyebrows and say something positive about life. Joy causes us to reflect on what’s most meaningful. It doesn’t come from experiences as much as it comes from a depth of God at work. Philippians 4:4 reminds us of the source of joy. This exercise in a family encourages individuals to be God-focused in their lives. As you practice this, you can be the ones who bring sunshine into the lives of others.

Exercise #7: Practice Learning

Relationships can become stagnant and need fresh new insight regularly. As an activity, you might look at a Bible passage together and share with each other an application or insight. The Bible is so practical and reminds us continually of ways we can connect with God, rearrange our thinking and practice life His way. Joshua 1:8 makes the importance of God’s Word clear. Children benefit from regularly seeing their parents readjust life based on the Bible. Sharing scriptural insight with others can touch people significantly.

Exercise #8: Practice Service

One of the things that grow relationships together is to work together on a project or activity. Serving the Lord creates the added benefit of enhancing your vision as partners in service to Christ. Joshua 24:15 expresses the commitment that a family can have to serve God. One of the greatest ways that children can capture the faith for themselves is to see God working through them in service to others. Intentionally approaching church or a sports activity with an eye to serve does something inside of the servant.

Exercise #9: Practice Contentment

People are driven to be happy and often look for activities and things to continually fill that need. Contentment looks deeper and learns to live within limits without feeling anxious. Practicing contentment addresses a core challenge in anyone’s heart: complaining. Look for ways to put a hold on buying or upgrading or the continual need for activity. Hebrews 13:5 is a good reminder of the value of contentment. Children need this life skill because their definition of need is often out of proportion. Look for ways to find enjoyment in a simple lifestyle. Encourage family members to be on the hunt for enjoyment without getting more stuff. Consider how you might encourage others outside your family to do the same.

Exercise #10: Practice Generosity

It’s been said that we are most like God when we give. Look for ways to give to others. Blessing another family or giving to a need at church can draw you closer to your mate because you are focusing on your mission together, to give back, not just to take. Jesus describes the value of giving in Luke 6:38. It’s one of the more powerful exercises for the heart of a person. When you give as a family, children see the benefit, and the exercise contributes to their spiritual development.

Exercise #11: Practice Justice

Look for ways to help those who are suffering in society. Consider poverty, homelessness, abortion, elderly, racism and other social issues. Justice draws two heart qualities together: holiness and compassion. Micah 6:8 is a call for all believers to practice justice in our world. Marriages develop conviction, and children develop passion when they grasp the power of justice in practical ways. This is one of those qualities that’s naturally practiced outside the home.

Exercise #12: Practice Unity

Do you tend to be an agreeable person or a disagreeable person? Agreeable people are warm, friendly, gracious and tactful. Disagreeable people are critical, angry, contentious and argumentative. Take a good look at yourself and make changes to become someone who encourages unity. Identify things you have in common with your spouse and draw attention to them. Regularly look for ways to communicate unity in your home. 1 Corinthians 1:10 is an appeal to unity for the church and is definitely needed in the home as well. Children may become disagreeable and teaching them unity can help overcome this negative tendency. Look for ways to express and develop unity with others outside your home.

***

In our church, we emphasize one Marriage Exercise a month. It’s our goal to build disciples and to encourage family life as a place to practice. If you’d like the colorful exercise pages that we mail to every married person’s home each month, email me at scott@biblicalparenting.org, and I’ll send them to you. You are free to use these ideas and handouts to advance the kingdom.

God hates complaining! Why? Because the person who complains is focused on earthly things instead of on spiritual things. At least, that’s what God was trying to teach the Israelites during their wilderness wanderings.

In Numbers 21 the people grumbled about the leadership, the slow speed of progress and the food. Isn’t that interesting—the same things people often complain about today! We don’t like to wait. The people in charge could always do better, and then there’s always something negative to say about the food.

I teach parents how to help their children thrive. One of the challenges children sometimes face is complaining. I like to tell them that complaining focuses on the problem. It’s earthly. In fact, Philippians 2:14 links complaining and arguing to a worldly generation. People who are worldly complain. It’s because they have their heads down. They are consumed with earthly things.

Verse 15 though shows the contrast and teaches one of the principles that helps us flourish in life. In contrast to complainers, Paul says, “Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life.”

One of ways that you can test your daily spirituality is to measure your complaining index.

If you’re focusing on earthly things, then it’s time to look up. Be like a star that shines in the sky. When the Israelites complained, God sent poisonous snakes that actually increased their pain. And when they cried out to Moses to ask God for help, God had him build a bronze snake and put it on a pole. People would have to look up for healing.

The same is true today. People who complain often end up with more pain, much of it self-inflicted, and the solution is to look up to God’s solution.

He provides answers to the daily challenges we face. He wants us looking up to His grace and mercy. Those who look up see things differently. They experience God in ways that others don’t.

I’m sure there were some Israelites who didn’t look up, and many of them died. “I don’t believe in the snake. It can’t help me. My problems are too bad.” It’s a choice that we each make. It’s a matter of focus. In fact, it’s a way of life.

Jesus tried to explain this same principle to Nicodemus in John 3, but Nick had a hard time catching the idea of the physical vs. the spiritual. Jesus described it as being born again, an entrance into a new life that changes a person’s viewpoint.

Jesus said, “I have spoken to you of earthly things, and you do not believe; how then will you believe if I speak of heavenly things?” Nicodemus was stuck on the earthly. He needed to get his eyes on the heavenly. God wanted to do something significant in his life. He wanted to breathe into him the Spirit of God.

So, to help Nicodemus get the picture, Jesus talks about the Israelites and the snakes. He says, “Just as Moses lifted up the snake in the wilderness, so the Son of Man must be lifted up, that everyone who believes may have eternal life in him.” Certainly Nicodemus knew that story. After all, he was a Pharisee. He was trained in the Old Testament. And Jesus wanted to remind this teacher of the law that he needed to make a personal choice in his own life to look up and choose God’s solution.

Unfortunately, our world is full of complainers.

You listen to people on their phones complaining about other people, the weather or how they were treated. You hear business people complain about flights, bosses and competitors. Even in families, you hear children and parents complain about decisions, choices and all kinds of life situations.

If complaining is so bad, why is it so common? It’s because people have a tendency to contemplate temporal things. There’s a whole different way to think. It starts with salvation, looking up to the cross. And then it means continually appreciating God’s grace, being thankful for what we have and choosing to express that gratefulness in encouraging ways around us.

God wants us to shine like stars in the sky, and one of the ways we can do that is to encourage others and avoid complaining. In a world where negativity reigns, we stand out. We’re different. We’re Christians who, by the very name, have our eyes and hearts focused in a heavenly direction.

The story of David and Goliath is a familiar one to us all. But could it be that in the familiar, we miss the important? Three principles about conquering giant problems in our own lives are taught through the story of this one young man.

Imagine the story. The scene is tense. As they had done for 40 days, the Israeli army has gone down into the valley to face off. The giant came down and mocked them. In the midst of this drama, David shows up. Having been sent on a mission by his father to deliver the cheese and bread and check on the status of the battle, he goes right out into the valley to find his brothers.

When he hears Goliath’s taunts, he starts asking questions, and then it happens. An attack he wasn’t expecting! His oldest brother criticizes him. It’s as if the attack came out of nowhere. Eliab says in 1 Samuel 17:28, “Why have you come down here? And with whom did you leave those few sheep in the wilderness? I know how conceited you are and how wicked your heart is; you came down only to watch the battle.”

It happens to us all the time, doesn’t it? You’re just trying to get things done, do the right thing and solve problems, and someone, maybe even someone in your own family, goes on the attack. They criticize. They judge. You feel misunderstood. Your immediate impulse is to defend, justify or even attack back. And it’s right here in the story where we get our first very important lesson about conquering giant problems in our lives. Notice what David does in verse 30. “He then turned away…” He didn’t get sucked in. He didn’t defend himself. He just turned away. Why? Because that wasn’t the most important battle to fight.

Oh, if we could learn that one lesson, how much more could we accomplish? We wouldn’t get sidetracked by petty arguments. We’d be able to focus on the important issues at hand.

Lesson 1: Choose the Right Battles

That’s just the first lesson… We have two more to learn.

As David watches the giant rant, his passions are stirred, and he goes to King Saul and offers his services. Notice Saul’s response, because in it is the second attack we often experience in our own lives. Saul says in verse 33, “You are not able to go out against this Philistine and fight him; you are only a young man…”

Did you see it? “You are not able…” ”You are only….” Those are the words of the enemy, and sometimes they come from those who are supposed to be on our side. Sometimes they come from our own heart as the evil one attacks us with doubts. “You’re only a mom without a real job.” “You’re only unemployed.” “You aren’t able to do this. You’re not strong enough, organized enough or confident enough.” Those are lies of the enemy, the accuser, who wants to limit you and me.

David wasn’t deterred. He saw the enemy. He knew God would deliver. He wouldn’t even wear the king’s armor. Why? Because David thought differently about the battle. He knew that God was more powerful than this giant, and he was ready to go out and take him down. Two lessons so far:

Lesson 1: Choose the Right Battles

Lesson 2: With the Right Thinking

And there’s one more lesson we can’t miss. As David goes down to fight Goliath, the giant tries to provoke him to fight his way. Goliath says in verse 43-44, “Am I a dog, that you come at me with sticks…Come here and I’ll give your flesh to the birds and the wild animals!”

And Goliath was right! If David would’ve come close to Goliath he would have lost the battle. David won this battle because he refused to fight with the same weapons as Goliath. David use weapons of the air. He was a slinger, not a swordsman. A slinger beats a swordsman any day.

How often are you provoked to fight a battle with your spouse and end up in a yelling match? Or when kids argue, why argue with them? We are different. We don’t fight the battle the same way. We don’t fight with people who fight, argue with people who argue, or yell with people who like to yell.

2 Corinthians 10:4 reminds us, “The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”

We all have giant battles to conquer. God wants to do amazing things in and through us. He wants to empower us to overcome and gain the victory. Notice David’s response to Goliath in verse 46. “This day the Lord will deliver you into my hands, and I’ll strike you down and cut off your head. This very day I will give the carcasses of the Philistine army to the birds and the wild animals, and the whole world will know that there is a God in Israel.” The battle will be won so that “the whole world will know that there is a God.” The battle you fight today is not just for you, but God wants to bring you victory to reveal that testimony inside of you. He wants to empower you not only to help you win, but so that others can see the power of God through you.

How does it happen? Keep these three Lessons in mind as you go out to conquer your giant battles.

Lesson 1: Fight the Right Battles
Lesson 2: With the Right Thinking

Lesson 3: Using the Right Weapons

And after the giant fell, David went over and took that sword that was designed to destroy him, and with it cut off Goliath’s head. Total victory. The very thing that was meant by the enemy to destroy you is the thing God wants to use to give you total victory.

What giant battle does God want you to conquer today? Maybe you’ll say, “I’m not just going to stay in this marriage, but I’m actually going to love my husband.” “I’m not just going to endure this job I’m in, but I’m going to bless all those people I come in contact with.” “I’m going to overcome this addiction.”

Yes, the giant problem in your life is huge. It’s tough. But the question isn’t “How big is your giant?” The question is, “How big is your God?” Go out and do some conquering today, facing your giant problems with God’s grace.

I’m a dad. I’m also a son. And it occurred to me recently that there are certain things that kids need from their dad. In fact, as I pondered the whole idea of fatherhood, I recall several examples in the Bible of “dad gifts” that were passed on to children. I think all dads would benefit from considering these, and if you didn’t get these from your dad, there’s a pleasant surprise for you at the end of this article.

I’m Scott Turansky, the son of John Turansky. My dad did a great job of passing these six gifts to me. I’m so grateful for his commitment to fatherhood and his example to me as I entered parenthood myself. Here are six things from God’s Word that kids need from their dads.

1) The Blessing

In the Old Testament we see examples of dads blessing their sons. After Jacob tricked his father into giving him the blessing that was to go to his brother, Esau, Genesis 27:34 states that Esau cried out, “Bless me—me too, my father!” Both sons wanted the blessing of their father.

Dads have an important gift they can pass on to their kids. It’s the affirmation that I believe in you and your future is something I look forward to. When a dad makes statements of affirmation and a positive anticipation of the future, it helps kids face even the most difficult challenges ahead.

God has given dads this important power that is crucial to a child’s sense of well-being and growth. Look for ways to regularly express a blessing to your child.

2) Correction

Yes, correction is part of the job, not an interruption to life. Correction is one of the ways that God uses, and dads are an important part of that process. Hebrews 12:7 says, “Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father?”

Sometimes dads have to put the pressure on in order to help their kids develop character. It’s important to note the difference between pressure and harshness. Pressure can make a person stronger. Harshness damages relationship. As you correct your kids, remember that the goal of correction is positive. It’s about training and growth, not justice. Kids may not always appreciate correction but it’s a way that dads can show that they love their kids and want their best.

The next time you see your child acting out or doing the wrong thing, say to yourself, “Oh good! An opportunity for discipleship!” That positive attitude about correction can go a long way to help your kids move forward in life.

3) Delight

When dads delight in their kids, something happens deep inside the heart. Even if the whole world is a challenge, seeing dad’s delight can go a long way to help a child persevere. When Jesus was about to start His public ministry, we see His Father’s affirmation. At Jesus’ baptism, Mark 1:11 says, “And a voice came from heaven: ‘You are my Son, whom I love; with You I am well pleased.’” The Father was delighted with the Son.

What do you enjoy about your child? Sometimes kids have positive qualities that are misused and parents can become focused on the irritations. But looking past the irritations to appreciate a child who is emotionally sensitive can bring new delight into a parent-child relationship.

Kids do need correction, but they also need to see delight in their father’s eyes.

4) Spiritual Nurture

Sometimes parents think that praying before meals or taking their kids to church somehow transfers the faith to their children. But spiritual growth is best passed through intentional training. Ephesians 6:4 commands dads in particular, “Bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”

God knew that there’s something important about a dad’s spiritual leadership in a child’s life. When a dad says, “I’ll pray for you about that,” or shares a spiritual truth he’s learning, kids take notice.

In some ways, passing the faith on to kids is like driver education. There’s the bookwork learned in the classroom, but the behind-the-wheel experience is just as important. That’s where all the bookwork is put into practice. Dads teach their kids how to handle emotions under pressure, how to trust God for an upcoming challenge, or how to have integrity in touchy situations. Kids need spiritual training and dads have an important opportunity and responsibility in this area of a child’s life.

5) Compassion

Some qualities are often considered female qualities. Compassion is one of them. We sometimes think of mom saying to a child who has fallen and is crying, “Come over here and I’ll give you a hug.” Dads are usually viewed as the ones that say, “You’re not hurt. Get up and try again.” Certainly, God uses both dads and moms in those ways to help children grow.

However, we must pause and consider 2 Corinthians 1:3, “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort.” Those are interesting traits of a father: compassion and comfort.

Fathers are often tough, authoritative, and firm, but there is a time for comfort and compassion. Empathizing with a child’s pain and holding a child who is hurting are significant gifts dads can give to their child. Sometimes a compassionate word can propel a child forward to continue on to fight the challenges of life.

6) Care

When Dads take notice of the little things, they show love. Care in the details of your child’s life is the application of love. After all, that’s what our heavenly Father models for us. Notice the care in the details mentioned in Matthew 10:29-30, “Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.”

Do you know what your child’s favorites are: favorite color, subject, clothes, food, or sport? That’s just the beginning of the details you might consider. You might not count your child’s hairs but you could count the teeth they’ve lost or the number of friends they have on Facebook. Remember that attention to detail shows that you care.

Kids need specific things from their dads. The power of a father in a child’s life can’t be underestimated. Amazing things happen inside a child’s heart when a dad shares these “father gifts” with his kids.

But what if you didn’t have a dad, or the one you had didn’t give you what you needed? The good news is that God has an app for that. He adopts us into His family when we trust Jesus as our Lord and Savior. Just go back through the six things above and notice how God does each of those things for us.

No parent is perfect. Dads always make mistakes. All children need a father presence in their hearts. God knows all that because He designed us. So one of the greatest gifts we dads can give to our kids is to introduce them to their heavenly Father and encourage that relationship that meets all the inner fatherly needs we all have.

Can you think of other biblical examples of gifts that fathers can give to their kids?

Scott Turansky is the pastor of Calvary Chapel Living Hope and the co-founder of the National Center for Biblical Parenting. He and his wife, Carrie, have five children and four grandchildren and live in New Jersey. You can learn more about him and resources for your family at biblicalparenting.org.

Passing the faith on to our kids is the most important job we have as parents. But how do you do that when kids seem to be at different levels of development and vary in spiritual sensitivity? Faith development isn’t like baking cookies where adding the right ingredients produce a predictable outcome. Rather, spirituality grows when the Holy Spirit connects with the human heart and kids experience God’s grace. Although that doesn’t happen with a formula, there are certain things we can do to encourage spiritual growth in our kids.

Parents help their children grow spiritually by creating the structures where they can meet Jesus. Some of those are easy, such as taking kids to church, praying before meals, and memorizing scripture. And some are more complex, such as spontaneous prayer, wrestling together with God’s will, and applying biblical truth to life.

Here are five principles from Deuteronomy 6 to guide your thinking as you seek to help your child build their own personal relationship with God.

1) Start with yourself.

If you are growing spiritually, your kids will see it. Deuteronomy 6:6 starts the process by focusing first on the parents’ own spiritual growth. “These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts.” Jesus reminded us of the same truth in Luke 6:40 when he said, “A disciple is not above his teacher.” As you work on discipling your child, make sure your own heart is growing in God’s grace.

You might make it a habit to keep a prayer journal about specific things you’re praying for each of your children. Or, look for scriptures that apply to your family and to the needs of your children. As you see God at work in your life, you’ll have something to share with your kids.

2) Build relationship.

Family life can become strained at times when all the busyness of life generates pressure. Remember that it’s through relationship that values and convictions are passed. That’s why, when referring to the commands of God, Deuteronomy 6:7 says, “Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.” Use relational moments to teach, explain, and illustrate God’s Word.

Mornings and bedtimes are mentioned in the passage, and both provide strategic opportunities for worldview discussions and how the Scriptures apply to life. Walking along the road, or in more modern times, driving in the van, is also a time when conversations can take a spiritual bent. In fact, you might want to plan a story or a specific scripture to share in those moments.

Sometimes the relational times can be scheduled such as a family time focused on a spiritual truth. Other times the relational opportunities will come spontaneously. Always be ready to direct your children’s attention to the work of God.

3) Share scripture.

In verse 7 of Deuteronomy 6 we have a specific goal stated for parents. When referring to the commands of God, it says, “Impress them on your children.” It’s not enough to share your own ideas about how to be successful in life. Be sure to share God’s truth with your kids.

When sharing scripture, be careful about overemphasizing the wrath, justice, and holiness of God. Although those are valuable truths, remember that Jesus died to satisfy God’s holiness and emphasized the fatherly qualities of God. Children need to experience God as a compassionate, caring father who loves them and wants to empower them to do what’s right. Those who tie specific offenses to verses in the Bible may be giving their kids a picture of God as judge. Many verses talk about God’s grace and how He is working in us to move us in the right direction.

4) Be creative.

Deuteronomy 6:8-9 says, “Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.” The goal is to help the child bring God’s commands into daily life, viewing them as relevant and practical.

Keep in mind that the language of children is activity. For every Bible story or theological truth, you might look for some kind of activity to communicate it. For ideas, consider the teaching techniques of Jesus. He used creativity and life experience to communicate kingdom principles to His disciples. When He wanted to teach what it means to be a good neighbor, He told the story of the Good Samaritan. In order to teach His disciples about being a servant and the importance of being willing to do dirty jobs, He washed their feet. When He wanted to correct them for criticizing each other, He gave them an illustration that may have come from His own childhood growing up in a carpenter shop. He encouraged them to get the plank out of their own eye before removing the sawdust from their brother’s eye.

Your kids will view the Bible as relevant, practical, and exciting when you use activity to communicate biblical truths. You might act out Bible stories with young children or use science experiments with elementary age kids. Hebrews 12 talks about running a race toward Jesus without being entangled by sin. You might run two races, one without baggy clothes and the other loaded down with Dad’s coat and shoes. Using activity with kids helps them get excited about God’s Word.

5) Discuss the lesson learned.

Deuteronomy 6:20-21 says, “In the future, when your son asks you, ‘What is the meaning of the stipulations, decrees and laws the Lord our God has commanded you?’ tell him.” Be sure to ask the question, “What’s the lesson learned?” Kids, as well as adults, need to know how to apply the Scriptures to their own lives.

When you’re growing spiritually, building relationships, sharing scripture, being creative, and discussing how God’s Word applies to your lives, then you position yourself well to pass on the faith to your kids.

One more piece of advice: Stop the activity when the energy level is high. When your son says, “Let’s do it again,” go over the lesson learned and then tell your son, “Yes, we’ll do it again when we have devotions again in a few days.” Now your kids will be begging for more!

If you’re looking for resources to tie activity to Bible stories, you might check out the Family Time Activities books from the National Center for Biblical Parenting.

Dr. Scott Turansky is a Calvary Chapel pastor in New Jersey and is the co-founder of the National Center for Biblical Parenting. He and his wife Carrie have five children and four grandchildren. Learn more at www.biblicalparenting.org.

Amanda is a single mom with three great kids and wanted her family to be close. In fact, Amanda looked for ways to experience that closeness regularly. They ate meals together, laughed and had fun, and she took a strong stand against any bickering. But Amanda wanted more. Amanda is a Christian and wished that she could make her faith more of a family experience.

What Amanda did in her family was strategic, and in fact, all of us can learn from her, whether we live in a single parent home or in a traditional family that has both a dad and a mom.

Amanda was particularly touched one Sunday by the biblical story of Joshua coming into the Promised Land and making a pile of stones. Joshua 4:6-7 shares the purpose of the monument. “In the future, when your children ask you, ‘What do these stones mean?’ Tell them….”

There was a spiritual sharing going on within the family in biblical times and Amanda wanted more of that in her own family. Every once in a while she experienced some kind of spiritual conversation and found that it was always special. It seemed deeper and more meaningful than anything else they did together. Could she encourage that kind of dialogue more often? The answer is yes and Amanda did four things that any parent can do to increase closeness in family life.

#1 – Make prayer intentional and obvious

First, Amanda began praying for each of her kids regularly. But she didn’t just pray for them. She told them she was praying for them and asked them for things to pray about. She would ask them how they were doing in those areas and pointed out when the prayers were answered.

One day, Amanda’s seven-year-old son burst into the house after school with wide eyes and said, “It worked!”

Mom was a bit surprised and didn’t know what he was talking about.

“Your prayers worked, Mom. I got 100 on my math test.”

They rejoiced together. In fact, Mom said, “Wow, that’s great. Why don’t we take a moment and pray right now and thank God.” The next few moments were very special and Amanda noticed that this was a very meaningful time of connecting her son personally with the Lord.

#2 – Reveal the practical nature of God’s Word

A second thing that Amanda did was share a scripture with her kids regularly. Sometimes she would write it on the whiteboard on the wall behind the kitchen table where everyone could see it.

In fact, she invited her kids to suggest scriptures that might be helpful for their family. Her nine-year-old daughter suggested Proverbs 3:5-6, “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.”

They discussed why that verse was helpful over dinner that night. It was interesting to hear the kids share their perspective on “straight paths” that evening.

#3 – Point out God’s activity in our lives now

Amanda decided to regularly ask the question of her kids, “What did you see God do today?” Sometimes the kids didn’t have much to say, but occasionally they had a good answer. Mom wanted her children to recognize that God is working in our lives all the time, not just before meals and bedtime.

Her eleven-year-old pointed something out from the news one evening. “God got that guy released from prison.” Amanda listened as her son told the story of how a persecuted man in North Korea was released.

Sharing about God’s work seemed to make everyone more aware of God’s presence. In fact, she realized that she was now having more conversations with her children about spiritual things than ever.

#4 – Serve the Lord together

As Amanda evaluated their schedule and activities, she realized that they were very busy people, each one of the children as well as herself. It seemed that they were always on the go, driving from here to there and then getting back to this place just in time to pick up someone else from their activity.

The busyness of their family was good, but Amanda realized that they weren’t doing anything that was serving others as a family. In fact, most of the activities that they were engaged in seemed to be about self. They each had activities to go to, and the continual self-focus needed some adjustment.

She determined that they would look for ways to serve on Sunday morning at their church. Her oldest son joined the greeting team and became an usher assistant to hand out bulletins. They all stayed for an extra twenty minutes after church to help clean up.

In fact, it was this service they did together that provided something Amanda wasn’t expecting. They were establishing an identity as a family. People took notice and mentioned that they were a family that served the Lord. She and her children enjoyed the reputation they were making.

Amanda decided that they would have a family verse and they put it on their wall, “But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD” (Joshua 24:15).

It wasn’t long before Amanda saw it happening. The closeness she longed for in her family was becoming real and powerful. She had to continue to be the force behind the spiritual interaction but occasionally her kids pitched in. They would pray for each other, share scripture that applied to their personal lives, and point out God’s activity in their lives.

Amanda was building a spiritual foundation for their family. Instead of having a foundation based on activity or things they liked or disliked, now they had a more significant and meaningful vision for their lives. God was doing something important. Their family identity as a family that served God was developing.

Any mom or dad can have a spiritual impact on family life. All family members are at different points in their spiritual receptivity. Even if a child is rebellious or has a hard heart, spiritual activities can have a significant effect. The key is to have someone in the family who believes in God strongly enough to try to take on the challenge. Spiritual leadership starts in the heart of one person. When it happens there, other people see it and significant change takes place.

Dr. Scott Turansky is a Calvary Chapel pastor and heads up the National Center for Biblical Parenting. You can learn more about his book on spiritual development in children called Motivate Your Child, at biblicalparenting.org.

Some children start pulling away from spiritual pursuits as they get older. They might not want to pray at dinner, seem to endure church, and are more interested in electronics and friends than spiritual things. Those tendencies are early indications of a trend in Christian families of kids who leave the church after they graduate from high school. Here’s what you can do now to reverse that trend and help your kids get spiritually engaged. Take the story of twelve-year-old Mark for example. He seemed to be drifting from the faith and his parents decided to do something about it. Here’s what they did. In fact, these are three things you can do with your family this year to engage your kids spiritually.

Energize Your Family Devotions

Dad and Mom determined to add an exciting devotional experience for Mark and his two younger sisters. They called it Family Time. Once a week, Dad and Mom would prepare an activity that illustrated a biblical truth. One week they told their kids to get their running shoes on for devotions. That puzzled them all and they came to the Family Time with a sense of anticipation. Dad read them the parable of the man who found the treasure in the field and sold all he had to buy that field so that he could own the treasure. Then Dad told them that he had created a number of clues in the back yard with a treasure at the end. He handed the first clue to Mark that said, “Look under the trash can.” Mark ran with his sisters out to the backyard and started the hunt. After about eight clues he ended up finding a plastic container filled with their favorite cookies that Mom had made. Then they talked about why the truths of God are worth so much.

The next week they talked about withstanding the fiery darts of the devil with the shield of faith as described in Ephesians 6:16. They took rolled up socks and threw them at each other and used a pillow as a shield to ward them off. Then they talked about temptations that might harm each of them.
Another time Mom read 1 Thessalonians 5:11, “Build one another up.” The activity that day was to build a human pyramid and then talk about ways that they tear down and build each other up in their family. The kids became excited for devotions each week as these parents used the language of children to teach their kids about biblical truths.

Seeing God Work

Dad and Mom continued their mission by raising the bar a bit. Every couple of days they asked the question, “How did you see God work today?” At first, the kids didn’t know what to say, but Dad and Mom gave them ideas including ones they could relate to. Mom told about the beautiful sunset she enjoyed and Dad told about an answer to prayer about a difficult meeting at work. They prayed more specifically as a family, asking God to show them each how they could fit into his plan.

Dad and Mom were surprised when Mark came home from school and said,

“When are you going to ask us the question?”

“What question?”

“The one about seeing God work?”

Mark had a story to tell and as he shared it at dinner, his parents smiled because they were seeing their son become spiritually engaged.

Sometimes children view God as irrelevant to their daily lives. Asking this kind of question encourages Level-Three thinking. Level-One thinking is where children spent most of the time. It has to do with the activity they’re involved in right now, playing on the iPad, eating lunch, or walking around the house. Level-Two thinking asks responsibility questions such as, “What time is it?” “What else should I be working on now?” or, “Should I be sharing this iPad with my brother?”
Level-Three thinking asks the question, “What is God doing in the world right now?” It’s fun to watch children share exciting things that they’re seeing in the world right now about God’s activity. When parents become spiritually transparent, kids see it.

Serve the Lord as a Family

Some kids develop a rather selfish view of life, always thinking about themselves and rarely thinking of others. When this takes place, kids often lose sight of the value of church as a place to serve and miss out on opportunities to help others. Mark’s parents decided to make changes in this area of family life as well.

Dad and Mom also told the pastor at church that they, as a family, would help with greeting every other week. Mark began to see church as a place to give and serve, not just as a place to meet friends or learn.
Mark is growing spiritually because his parents looked for practical ways to engage him with what God wants to do in him personally. God wants to work in the lives of children, and parents can be the facilitators of that growth. The plan you use to strengthen your family must be intentional and engaging for kids. Parents pass the faith on to their kids. If parents have an unnoticeable faith, that in turn is the faith that they’re passing on to their children.

What might God have you to do in 2015 to excite your children about the Lord and engage them spiritually?

The ideas from this article come from the teaching presented in the book Motivate Your Child. Learn more about resources from the National Center for Biblical Parenting at: biblicalparenting.org.

Dr. Scott Turansky is a co-founder of the National Center for Biblical Parenting. He and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN have written 13 books on parenting, trained over 120 presenters to teach live parenting seminars, and they themselves teach around the country most every week.

One of the greatest ways to reach out into your community is to meet the real needs of parents and then to share with them the love of Jesus Christ. Some of that pressure comes from the outside with education, economic, and social expectations overwhelming many parents today. And some of the challenges come from inside the family itself. Conflict between family members, lack of cooperation, resistance from children, and balancing schedule, money, and relational time make leading a family quite a challenge today.

More and more parents want closeness with their kids. They want their families to be successful and want to enjoy family life. So when the church steps in with answer that specifically address the home, parents listen. Right around your church are hundreds of families that would like advice that would make their families more successful. And you have the answers. God has given biblical principles that add to peace, closeness, and depth for any family. In fact, when a family understands God’s principles, the family itself develops a mission instead of just reacting to the chaos of life.

A tremendous tool for outreach by a church is to offer parenting seminars as an outreach to the community. Whether it’s driven by video teaching or a live presenter isn’t as important as the integrity of the biblical principles taught in a practical way. It’s not good enough to tell kids to honor and obey their parents. Kids need to know how and parents need to know how to teach those concepts without yelling at their kids. Parents want ideas for working with their teenagers and getting their kids through the day without a crisis. They want to know how to have closeness and still get things done.

As you share real solutions for the challenges parents are facing you can talk about where they come from, the Bible. You can talk about the value of the church as a family and reach out as a caring community where parents and families can find support. Most importantly, you can share with those parents the most important parenting tip available, and that is to understand who God is as Father and how a personal relationship with Jesus Christ adopts them into God’s family.

When you use parenting seminars as an outreach to the community, you’re being like Jesus. One of the ways he shared the message of the kingdom was by helping people at their point of felt need. He often used common life experiences to create interest. He talked about everyday things like water, crops, and bread and often ministered to personal needs by healing, feeding, or just enjoying social interaction. These things became vehicles for him to share the kingdom. He talked to the woman at the well about living water. He gave over 5,000 people food to eat. He healed those who came to him. Jesus was willing to help people where they were, and used those opportunities to express God’s love and share about the kingdom.

Parenting seminars today are like the feeding of the 5,000 in Jesus time. Parents are hungry for answers for their families. They want help. Parenting is a need families are willing to admit and they’ll even come to a church to find answers. Parents love their children and want the best for them, but often they lack the knowledge, wisdom, and practical ideas needed to raise healthy, responsible children.

If you want your parenting seminar to be a successful outreach, consider these things:

1) Pray for your community. Gather a group of people together who can start praying for the specific needs of families in your area. Announce the idea to your church in the idea stage as you’re praying together.

2) Plan your content well. You don’t have to be a parenting expert to teach a parenting seminar. You could bring someone in from the outside, use video presentations, or teach material from a good parenting book. Make sure that it’s both biblical and practical.

3) Choose the timing well. Any time you choose will likely conflict with youth sports and other events. Don’t be discouraged by that. Not everyone is busy every moment of the week. Some won’t come because of other commitments, but don’t let that stop you. You might choose a Saturday morning event, or Friday evening, or three Wednesday evenings. Parents are often hesitant to commit to an eight-week study but might be interested in a two week event offered four times a year.

4) Offer a children’s program. Don’t just babysit the kids, but teach them things that complement what the parents are learning. If the kids have a positive, meaningful experience, parents are more likely to come to something else like a church service.

5) Find solutions for other excuses. You might provide a low cost meal before the event to care for busy parents. Keep the cost low or offer it for free. Encourage pre-registration to enhance commitment levels. Don’t forget the grandparents since many grandparents are heavily involved in the raising of children today.

6) Promote it well. Have a team of people promoting the seminar within your church and another team of people promoting outside the church. Inform various groups and government agencies of your event since many people need court mandated parent training and can receive adoptive and foster care credits for attending a parenting seminar. Notify every preschool, day care, and after school program in your area. Those leaders work with the kids and know that the parents would benefit from some help. Sometimes even the school system will allow the promotion of a seminar conducted at your church.

7) Involve many people from your church. This is home missions, and when you present the opportunities to people, present it as a missions event, instead of simply recruiting people for tasks to be done. You’ll want help promoting, greeting, caring for children, preparing food, and then everyone ought to be encouraged to get the word out to parents they know.

A Parenting Seminar Outreach works because it connects with families and ministers to them right at their point of need. But it doesn’t stop there. A Parenting Seminar Outreach not only strengthens families but it becomes a vehicle for sharing the gospel of Jesus Christ.

At the National Center for Biblical Parenting we have a resource and data CD called How to Use Parenting Seminars as an Outreach to the Community.

For more ideas, resources and tools for ministering to parents you might want to visit the website of the National Center for Biblical Parenting. www.biblicalparenting.org

We’ve all heard that 50% of marriages fail today and that the statistics for Christians are the same as that of the rest of the population. Those statistics are wrong and they have a discouraging effect on people considering marriage.

Young people today are asking this very important question: With all of the negative statistics on divorce and marriage, why get married? In fact, many are giving up on marriage. More and more couples are choosing to live together instead of tying the knot. Wait! It’s time to revisit the statistics because they are simply wrong.

Why get married anyway?

But first let’s answer the question, “Why get married instead of living together?” The answer isn’t based on statistics. We get married because that’s what God desires and teaches in his Word. Period. We don’t use statistics to drive our decision-making. In fact, we would expect the world to have a different philosophy and find ways to justify it. As Christians, we don’t determine what’s right based on what’s working or what the latest poll reveals. We choose to obey God in spite of current trends or opinions.

Sometimes, however, we, as pastors, share statistics from the pulpit as illustrations, and it’s important to have our facts straight. The negative statistics are often used to light a fire under Christians to live according to God’s standard. Unfortunately, they often have the reverse affect causing people to feel discouraged because you would like to think that living a Christian life would produce better results. If it doesn’t, then that’s disheartening. But wait! The correct statistics do point to a greater chance of success when you live for the Lord. Hopefully this article will give you a greater understanding of how faulty statistics about the divorce rate came about and what the true numbers look like. It’s actually more encouraging than is commonly reported. Then we can use the statistics as illustrations of hope instead of despair.

A new book came out last month by Shaunti Feldhahn called The Good News About Marriage revealing that the commonly reported statistics on divorce and marriage are wrong. So where do those numbers come from and why are they inaccurate?

First, there’s no official report on divorce statistics. The numbers of marriages versus divorces are often complicated by the fact that some marriages end in the death of a spouse, and some people get divorced multiple times. But here’s a helpful statistic that you can quote: The Census Bureau’s 2009 Survey of Income and Program Participation reports that 72% of people who have ever been married are still married to their first spouse. Wow! That’s much different than the 50% divorce rate often mentioned. Again, that doesn’t take into account those who have lost their spouse by death. So the number of marriages that actually failed by divorce in the general population is much less than 28%. And that statistic has been constant over the last 30 years as reported in Census surveys.

But I thought the 50% divorce rate was common knowledge

So where does the 50% number come from? A common practice is to compare the number of marriages in town to the number of divorces in that same town. Many times that number is about two marriages for every one divorce. Some have implied from those numbers that 50% of marriages fail. But wait, that’s not even logical. If you have 100 marriages in your church and in one year you marry 20 people and 10 get divorced, does that mean that the percentage of your church’s successful marriages is 50%? No. Because you don’t take into account all of the marriage that are still continuing. That line of reasoning doesn’t take into account multiple divorces by one person, death of spouses, and the number of people who could have gotten a divorce but didn’t.

I was recently teaching a parenting seminar in Valdosta, Georgia and I met Dr. Eric Howington, who has a Ph.D in Applied Statistics and is a professor at Valdosta State University. When I heard that he had a doctorate in statistics, my eyes widened. Over dinner before the event I asked him to explain to me why one divorce for every two marriages doesn’t translate into a 50% divorce rate. His answer was this: “This is one of those math problems where you don’t have enough information to answer the question. You’re missing the number of marriages that are still ongoing. This kind of rate is determined over time and includes several factors that aren’t given in the information you’re providing me.”

It makes sense to me now, but I have to admit that over the years I’ve been duped into thinking that the divorce rate itself was higher than it actually is.

While we’re on the subject, there’s another important statistic to consider. Those who live together before marriage greatly increase their chances of divorce. Scott M Stanley reports just one of many studies that indicate that couples who live together without being officially engaged were more likely to divorce if they did get married. (“Sliding vs Deciding: Inertia and the Premarital Cohabitation Effect,” Family Relations 55 (2006): 499-509) Certainly marriage is challenging and some marriages fail, but the alternative of living together is less attractive statistically.

What about Christian marriages?

As Christians, we don’t use statistics to determine our morality, but you would expect that doing the right thing would demonstrate itself in some form of success. After all, eating right tends to make you more healthy and studying hard usually produces better grades. But many have become disheartened with marriage because the commonly reported statistics seem to indicate that those in the church suffer the same statistical demise as that of the world. Again that data is wrong. In reality, it’s not even close.

Much of the misunderstanding comes from a misrepresentation of a George Barna study conducted years ago, and, according to Feldhahn, Barna himself would like to correct the misperception. The study measured divorce rates based on beliefs, not the practices of Christians. That is, he asked people if they were Christians instead of asking if they went to church. His finding was that those who choose “Christian” as their religion have the same divorce rate as those who don’t. But when you measure religious practice instead of religious affiliation the statistics for marriage and divorce are very encouraging. Many researchers have found that when someone is active in their faith it lowers their chance of divorce, usually significantly. The Barna Group did a study on many of the data sets to ask the question about divorce rate among those who had been in church in the last seven days. The rate of divorce dropped 27% compared to those who hadn’t, even more when you isolate evangelical Christians. That means that practicing Christians have a much higher statistical success rate of marriage today.

Conclusion

So what is the current divorce rate? Or what are the statistical chances of a successful marriage? Those numbers aren’t easy to come by, but if you take the Census number of 72% of people who are married are still married to their first spouse and adjust that number to consider those marriages that ended in the death of a spouse instead of divorce, and you consider that practicing Christians do even better, then the statistics for Christian marriages are much better than is commonly reported.

It’s hard to pinpoint for sure what the exact divorce rate is for Christians but it’s far better than many realize. The work of Shaunti Feldhahn is remarkable, with all kinds of footnotes, studies, and references to support the findings that there really is some good news about marriage. I highly recommend the book.

In addition to pastoring Calvary Chapel Living Hope, Scott Turansky heads up the National Center for Biblical Parenting, teaching biblical parenting seminars around the country and helping churches develop family ministries. You can learn more about that ministry at biblicalparenting.org.