Doubt, often regarded as the evil twin brother of faith, is a condition that frequently casts a long shadow over the believer’s life. Many grow up in the Church with the idea that “good Christians never doubt,” all the while struggling under the weight of crippling doubt themselves.

It is far too ordinary for the young Christian to hide their doubts, never wanting to raise their hand in the Sunday-school classroom for fear of looking foolish at best or being judged as one of little faith at worst. So, doubts are suppressed, buried deep within the psyche. Eventually, the young Christian finds themself stepping outside of their Christian bubble and into a secular environment where the dam of unanswered questions finally bursts, unable to withstand the pressures of postmodern and post-Christian culture.

For the Christian struggling with doubt, following Jesus can feel like reaching for the light while you sink into the depths of the ocean.

I would assert that this sad reality does not have to be the fate of our youth. Instead, we may turn to the Scriptures to see the straightforward reality that doubt need not be the end of robust faith, but rather, the beginning!

Throughout the pages of the Bible, we repeatedly see that God does not reject those who doubt; rather, He works in and through them despite their doubts.

Character Study: Doubting Thomas

Now there is no better character with which we could start our examination of this theme than the disciple known to many as “doubting Thomas.” Note that this nickname was not given to him by his mentor, Jesus, but rather by Christians in modernity. They identify him by his doubt, but the question we must ask is, “How does the Lord Jesus identify him?” and even further, “How does Jesus respond to those who doubt?”

The answer is found in the Gospel accounts. In the latter half of John chapter twenty, we find Thomas struggling with his doubts and discouragements. Earlier in the chapter, we observe the risen Jesus appearing to Mary Magdalene and ten of the remaining eleven disciples.

Thomas, however, is not present for these miraculous encounters. When the others joyfully tell him Jesus is alive, Thomas has a hard time believing this, having just witnessed his lord and master beaten and crucified on a Roman cross. Thomas responds to the others with a skepticism born out of deep grief, saying, “Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe.” (John 20:25).

A week later, Jesus directly responds to Thomas’ doubt. He appears before Thomas, saying, “Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.”

It could be easy for us to focus merely on Jesus’ words at the end of the verse, “stop doubting and believe,” yet we must remember not to divorce the words of Christ from the actions of Christ. The passage’s focus is not on a God demanding His follower stop doubting. It is on a God willing to reveal Himself to a struggling doubter experiencing the dark night of the soul.

Philosopher Dallas Willard notes:

“Let’s remember that Jesus didn’t leave Thomas to suffer without the blessing of faith and confidence; he gave him the evidence he required. That is typical of Jesus’s approach to doubt; he responded to honest doubters in the way he knew best, the way that would help them to move from doubt to knowledge.”

In His actions, Jesus reveals a heart full of love for “doubting Thomas.” He does not storm into the room, demanding Thomas fall to his knees and repent from his foolishness. Instead, He shows up with evidence and relational experience. The result is Thomas declaring, “My Lord, and my God!” (John 20:28).

Pastor David D. Flowers writes:

“Jesus’ willingness to accommodate Thomas’ unbelief is a reminder that God can handle our doubt. And that the rationalist doesn’t need to see, touch, or run a lab test in order to believe in the resurrected Christ. Jesus told him, “You believe because you have seen me. Blessed are those who believe without seeing me” (Jn 20:29) This is not a plea to accept what goes against reason, but it is an invitation to discover a faith that goes beyond it. The example of Thomas is for the stubborn skeptic in us all.”

The Hall of Faith / The Hall of Doubt

We see in this story the willingness of Jesus to tear down relational walls between His followers and Himself, to bridge the gap between doubt and knowing. This theme is not unique to the New Testament.

Consider the famous “hall of faith” in Hebrews chapter eleven. Many revered characters are listed in this passage specifically for their faith. For example, we are told that by faith Noah built an ark, Abraham traveled to a distant land, Sarah had a son in old age, Moses left a life of royalty to lead God’s people to freedom, and Samson defeated the Philistines.

However, carefully examining the Hebrew Scriptures will reveal a dark mirror in the hall of faith. Nearly every character praised for their faith in Hebrews eleven also has moments of doubt recorded in Scripture.

By doubt, Noah becomes drunk and brings sin into his family. Abraham sleeps with a servant girl because he does not trust God to allow his aging wife to get pregnant. Sarah laughs when God says she will bear a child. Moses murders an Egyptian man and flees into the desert. Samson sacrifices his calling and strength for frivolous sex.

Despite all these moments of doubt, these flawed characters I have listed are celebrated for their faith. This reveals a core component of God’s heart: He is a God who can put up with our doubts. He is more than willing to work in and through us despite our tendency to doubt. He is not looking for perfect faith. Rather, He is looking for a willingness to believe, even if imperfectly. He desires to hear us say, “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!” (Mark 9:24).

In his analysis of the thinking of Danish philosopher Soren Kierkegaard, philosophy professor Donald Palmer writes:

“Kierkegaard’s argument runs something like this: The negative is present in all consciousness. Doubt accentuates the negative, Belief chooses to cancel the negative. Every mental act is composed of doubt and belief, but it is belief that is the positive, it is belief that sustains thought and holds the world together.”

Indeed, every moment the Christian makes is composed of either doubt or belief. One may be a believer sitting in the Sunday sermon but turn into a doubter and functional atheist the moment he pulls up the balance on his bank account. Nevertheless, Jesus seems to invite us into each moment with the reassurance that He is there, walking with us through these moments of doubt.

Character Study: Peter

Another fantastic character study is the Apostle Peter. Interestingly, we give the title “the doubter” to Thomas, yet it is Peter who has not one but two moments of severe doubt recorded in the New Testament. At the sham trial of Jesus, Peter doubts the Lord’s ability to keep him safe, so when others nearby ask if he is a disciple of Christ, he denies three times that he even knows Jesus at all (Luke 22:54-62).

One of Peter’s greatest moments of faith is immediately followed by one of his greatest moments of doubt. By faith, he literally walks on water, stepping out of the boat to meet Jesus among the waves. By doubt, Peter sinks, noticing the severity of the storm and doubting the power of Christ to keep him afloat.

Matthew writes:

Jesus immediately reached out His hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” (Matthew 14:32).

Again, we must not divorce Jesus’ words from His actions. It was the power of Christ that allowed Peter to walk on water. It was the love of Christ that pulled him up when he sank. In Peter’s most significant moments of faith and doubt, the constant factor was Jesus being present with him. He does not allow Peter to sink into his doubts but instead pulls him upward and onward.

We see this further when at the end of John’s Gospel, Jesus restores Peter to ministry with a merciful breakfast on the beach. This posture towards doubters goes even beyond Thomas and Peter.

In a sermon on doubt, Pastor Evan Wickham says this:

“In Matthew 28:17 we see the reaction of his disciples “when they saw him, they worshiped him, but some doubted.” The resurrected Jesus is now physically standing before them and some are still in doubt! That is fascinating to me. It gets even better… in his very next statement, Jesus still commissions them!

To believers and doubters alike, he says, “go and make disciples.” On that Hilltop, alongside the risen Jesus, the believers and the doubters both belonged. This story provokes us to open up to the best news in the universe: we are all invited to belong to something bigger and more beautiful than we dare to dream.”

Conclusion

I genuinely believe that if we are to help the future generations of Christians, we must teach them not to suppress doubt but embrace it as an utterly regular part of the faith life and journey. A doubt held under the lordship of Christ is an invitation not to deconstruct one’s faith but to journey into deeper knowing as we “ask, seek, and knock.”

One can hold a theological doubt in tension with trusting that God is good and that in time, whether directly through His Spirit or the mentorship of Spirit-filled Christians, He will meet us right where we are at to “show us the holes in His hands.”

Whether we find ourselves walking on water or sinking into the waves of doubt, we can trust He is present, patient, and loving, hand outstretched, willing to pull us deeper into faith, and willing to put up with our doubts every step of the way.

It is when we understand and fully embrace this truth that I believe we can help Christians, both young and old, move beyond the shadow of a doubt.

If you enjoyed this article, Aaron has a sermon the article was based off of. Feel free to listen and share it with anyone you know who is struggling with doubt!

More than likely, you’re aware that Joker is in theaters. Maybe the film’s marketing reached you. Or more likely, you read about it in the news. My local theater had to close their release screenings¹ of it, a story that was featured in national news. Other headlines describe nervous audiences,² nervous theater owners,³ even warnings from the military.⁴ While some remain blissfully indifferent to the agita that has surrounded the release of this film, many are troubled by the culture, the portents and the moral weather patterns that come with Joker. As Christians, those portents and patterns in our culture are worth paying attention to.

Inspiring Violence

People fear that the film will encourage violence by glorifying violence. They fear the titular character will be inspirational to potential mass-shooters. In an age where mass shootings happen with increasing frequency, there are fears that a movie like this will empower such people to carry out their dark visions, committing twisted acts of “justice” against the evils of society or venting personal frustrations in an outburst of bullets. Concerns have been raised about the glorification of the character himself, whom the filmmakers are portraying in a much more sympathetic/relatable light than in previous interpretations. Joker is given a “real world” backstory, one that doesn’t involve toxic waste or superpowers. His creation is much more human, much more heartbreaking and, therefore, much more identifiable, especially to those more likely to commit acts of real-world violence.

Many found the very idea of such a film distasteful in light of the perceived connections⁵ to the Aurora Colorado mass shooting during a 2012 screening of The Dark Knight Rises. While that film didn’t actually feature the Joker character, negative links were drawn to his character from the series’ prior film, The Dark Knight, which had come out four years earlier.

Regardless of subjective connections to the Aurora shooting, the new Joker film from director Todd Philips has received its share of bad press, receiving the stigmas of “insensitivity” and “irresponsibility” from the media and the public alike. And this is my biggest issue with the tempest surrounding the movie.

Allow me to illustrate: The film is about a person confronted with increasingly difficult circumstances. As he attempts to cope, he also attempts to restrain himself; he has the tools to deal with bad situations, but he doesn’t want to go there. He must resist the temptation to give in to his “true self.” However, when bad people push him too far, he takes action. And that action reveals the justification he needs to abandon his inhibitions: a just cause. Even though people die, his actions are justified by the viewer because:

• He didn’t ask for any of this (innocence).

• The bad guys deserve what they have coming (guilt).

What ensues is a crusade of righteous indignation, as the “hero” rights the many wrongs that they (and especially the people they care about) have suffered. In the end, we applaud their vengeance because the hero did what we could never do: bring justice to an unjust situation and deliver some much-deserved retribution.

Now ask yourself this: What film or Netflix series did I just describe? Was that Tombstone or John Wick? The Equalizer or The Punisher? Perhaps a Tarantino? Or maybe the Taken series? Better yet, how many films can you think of that follow this formula?

Not a New Movie

This leads me to my first observation. This film isn’t new. What I mean is, it’s not an altogether new idea. It doesn’t cover new subject matter; it’s not a new plot; its essence isn’t new. Hollywood has been cranking out films very similar to this one for years. The context changes, the characters and their circumstances change, but the major plot arc is routine: Injustice occurs ↠ the protagonist is triggered to action ↠ moral lines are crossed ↠ retribution to evildoers ↠ the protagonist rests from his work. And far more than simply being prevalent, these sorts of movies are incredibly popular at the box office and among critics. So it shouldn’t be any surprise that direct similarities have been drawn between Joker and older films that seemed less worrisome, at the time, to the general public. Among those are works from renown director Martin Scorsese. What’s interesting to me is that his films have featured similarly disturbed characters, doing similarly disturbing things, but have been lauded by audiences, critics and the press for decades. Yet here we are, with a very similar film inciting fear and restlessness among modern audiences.

Another aspect that isn’t new about this movie is one of its key thematic ideas. It’s the concept of being yourself, being true to yourself, letting go of people’s expectations of you and becoming who you really are. But this idea is so commonplace. In a sense, the admonition is almost “Disney-esque:” “Believe in yourself; follow the desires of your heart, and all of your dreams will come true.” Scripture condemns this concept with a slap of reality: The human heart is desperately wicked and unknowable, and its depravity needs to be resisted. The syrupy advice from fairytales takes on a more insidious tone when you apply it to people whose heart’s desire is selfishness, who pay no heed to the harm they cause to others. The concept of surrendering to your desires is Edenic in origin: see and take. Don’t let anything hold you back from realizing your dreams, and you will find satisfaction. This has remained a prevalent and popular ethos in our culture from the very inception of humanity.

Not A New Character

Another observation about the climate surrounding the film: The Joker character isn’t new in the most literal sense. He’s been around for nearly 80 years. And for all of those years, he has embodied murderous chaos with a flair for theatrics and humor. His depravity has never been sugar-coated. From the beginning, he’s been portrayed as a remorseless, laughing, gloating serial killer/criminal mastermind nemesis for Batman. His methods and motives have been illustrated unflinchingly, from his first appearance in the Batman No. 1 comic, through Jack Nicholson’s portrayal in 1989, to Heath Ledger’s (posthumously) award-winning depiction of the character.⁶

Somehow though, our culture seems uneasy about embracing this newest depiction, in the form of Joaquin Phoenix’s troubled Arthur Fleck. But what makes me uneasy about the whole character is how joyfully our culture has embraced all of his previous incarnations. It seems much scarier to me, and much more telling about our culturally-endemic desensitization, that people laugh and clap approvingly at a Joker who can “humorously” murder people with pencils or spray people with acid from his prank lapel flower or dance and joke over the bodies of people he’s just poisoned. Shouldn’t the taking of life feel sorrowful? Shouldn’t it feel wrong? Why aren’t we relieved when, in a sea of movies that casually devalue human life, this film conveys that killing is wrong and that the taking of lives is a violation, or at the very least, negatively impactful?

We Don’t Like the Context

In part, the distaste comes from the portrayal of the people who die. In the case of those murdered by the Joker in 1989’s Batman, the people seem so ridiculous and fake that it’s hard to feel any emotional pull when they meet their demise. They’re almost like cardboard cutouts who simply get pushed over: We don’t know them or care for them. Sure, there are the bad gangsters who die and, in a sense, get what they deserve. But for the people in the art museum, or in the streets of Gotham, their deaths are handled so humorously, numerously and callously, that we can hardly connect or identify with them. However, the on-screen deaths committed by this new Joker feel intimate, visceral and heavy.

Another aspect could be that, in the new film, the “bad guys” who die aren’t people we necessarily believe to be bad. There are even some we think aren’t bad at all; their only perceived guilt comes from simply being part of an unjust system, or “guilt by association.” Unlike the scores of Nazis that are brutally, sadistically dealt with in one popular film, we don’t necessarily identify the victims in this film as evil. But those who are less affluent, with less hope or less opportunity in life might. Hence, the public support of the killings from the general population within the film. They view Joker as a symbol: one man standing up against the system of oppression. The people who are killed in Joker are all either liars, cruel antagonizes or people benefiting from perceived corruption. In some way, and from a particular perspective, they’re all part of a system of hurt and abuse.

The problem though is that we don’t like how subjective their guilt is. Nevertheless, isn’t that the point-counterpoint between secular humanism and Christianity? The secular humanist would argue that right and wrong are subjective to the individual, while Christianity would hold to the objectivity of God’s Word.

To that point, there is a pivotal scene in the film when Arthur Fleck asks the question: “What do you get when you cross a mentally ill loner with a society that abandons him and treats him like trash? Exactly what you deserve!” From his unhinged, subjective perspective, he’s doing what is right, giving out what he thinks is deserved. In a sense, the unease that comes from seeing his insanity and the perceived rightness of his crimes should find relief in the concept of a just God whom humanity is accountable to. Instead, the film depicts a subjectivity to the concepts of guilt and sin. Granted that it’s told from the perspective of an unhealthy mind, but it’s nonetheless the subjectivity of this framework that should make us very uneasy.

Sadness and Compassion

This aspect is new to the Joker story, at least to the film versions. This is a sad, sad film. The story begins within a financially depressed economy, where the circles of work and homelife are permeated with the stench of crime, shame and inescapable poverty. Building on this is the weighty responsibility of caring for an ailing, elderly mother. Add to that the aforementioned mental illness countered only by prescription drugs and weekly, state-afforded counseling sessions. Finally, add a neurological condition that makes you burst into uncontrollable laughter when stressful situations arise. But this particular facet is handled humorlessly. The emphasis is on the social awkwardness that such a condition would create. Imagine how quickly any argument would escalate if, after listening to a person’s issue, you burst out laughing. This is Arthur Fleck’s reality. The result is misunderstanding and isolation, compounded by the weight of all the other difficulties that surround him. This establishing tale of the Joker character doesn’t involve an accident with toxic waste creating a criminal mastermind, arch-villain and crime boss. This film is told from the perspective of desperation, depression and hopelessness. This is someone with no means, no friends, no hope, trudging through life under the weight of very identifiable sorrow.

Making the film more complex, the handling of sin is theologically interesting. As my Professor, Gerry Breshears, recently remarked in class, psychology usually only deals with the sins committed TO a person, and pastors usually only deal with sins committed BY a person. But this story deals with both. The protagonist is laden with difficulty from outside: systemic poverty and the burdens of trying to “put on a happy face” for a loved one, all within a world that views him as worthless. He’s also burdened with difficulty from within: the portrayal of mental un-health is intimate, personal, sorrowful and disturbing. Between these paradigms, we sadly observe the abuse, deception, lying and disappointment that he endures at the hands of others.

But we also see the evils that he commits as just that: evil. In a fashion reminiscent of Sophocles, Shakespeare and Vince Gilligan, each evil action he takes is just as destructive to himself as to those around him. His environment doesn’t vindicate his monstrous actions; nothing does. And his actions are never justified by the outcomes; they simply add momentum to his downward spiral. While you feel compassion for him, you’re never led to thinking that he’s “right,” or that his actions are acceptable, let alone funny.

Controversially Thought Provoking

And this raises another interesting aspect about the film: It doesn’t cram a message down your throat. Maybe we wish it would have. Maybe the press would be less nervous in their reporting if this were a morality tale, teaching that evil actions come from an evil environment. Or that embracing evil leads to an evil end. Instead, the film leaves the viewer with the abstract, existential question of evil itself. What is it? Where does it come from? How do you deal with it without becoming it? How do you prevent it? These questions form great conversational springboards for the Christian. Everyone recognizes evil in the world. Engaging in conversations about ultimate evil and its ultimate answer in the form of The Ultimate Love of God is like a slow pitch for anyone looking to share the truth and comfort of the Gospel.

What’s really interesting is that the film doesn’t “say” much at all as far as conclusion or application. It’s more revelatory than didactic. It’s left to the viewer to understand and interpret the tale. And perhaps therein lies the problem. Maybe it’s the ambiguity of evil that has caused so much tension, anxiety and fear. The secular humanist has no explanation of evil, let alone advice on what to do with it. The Bible does, but that’s the one place that “rational secularists” aren’t allowed to go for answers. However, when a film or event reveals gaps in the collective reasoning of our secular world, we as Christians need to be ready to address the unease, to use God’s Word to explain it and to cast light on the darkness.

_Notes:

_{¹ Cameron, Dell. “U.S. Military Issues Warning to Troops About Incel Violence at Joker Screenings.” September 24, 2019. (accessed October 06, 2019).}

_{² Daniel, Anslee. Bristol, “TN Drive-In Bans Costumes for Showing of ‘Joker.'” October 5, 2019. (accessed October 6, 2019).}

_{³ Desta, Yohana. “The ‘Joker’ Didn’t Inspire the Aurora Shooter, but the Rumor Won’t Go Away.” October 02, 2019. (accessed October 08, 2019).}

_{⁴ Fry, Hannah. “Credible Threat Targeting ‘Joker’ Screening Forces Huntington Beach Theater to Close.” October 4, 2019. (accessed October 4, 2019).}

_{⁵ Reeves, Jay. “Security, NY Incident Leave Some Unsettled After ‘Joker’.” October 5, 2019. (accessed October 6, 2019).}

_{⁶ Ledger’s portrayal garnered him 32 award nominations, leading to a staggering 28 wins, including an Academy Award for “Best Supporting Actor,” a Golden Globe for “Best Actor in a Supporting Role,” and a SAG award for “Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture.”}

_{CalvaryChapel.com does not necessarily endorse or agree with every message or perspective in the diverse film reviews posted. By providing these film reviews, we hope to help you stay informed of important events and conversations taking place in the world that are relevant to the Christian faith.}

_{Joker is rated R for strong bloody violence, disturbing behavior, language and brief sexual images.}

Christmas time is often marked by cards with perfect family pictures on the cover. Everyone smiling, everyone wearing cute Christmas sweaters. The perfect family on the perfect card. In reality, however, life is not very often like the cover of a Christmas card. Life is messier than that; it is, for all of us. But we don’t want anyone to see.

Why is it that being vulnerable is so hard?

Here’s a definition of the word “vulnerable:” “The quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.”

Exposing yourself emotionally to attack is a scary thing to do. We have all grown up in this world. It is not a perfect world. We have all had our weaknesses thrown at us; we have all experienced abuse in moments of vulnerability. It is painful; it leads us to build walls around the tender, weak areas of ourselves. To fortify our hearts with battlements, that become so strong over the years, so entrenched in who we are, that the thought of tearing them down, is simply beyond us.

We live in a world of such pretense. Being “real” or “authentic” is often lauded but rarely achieved. The notion of truly exposing your worst moments is a shuddering thought. If you look at my Instagram account, there are cute pictures of my children; there are not, however, mini videos of me roaring my head off at them. That’s not cute. That’s not fit for public consumption. That would leave me vulnerable to too much criticism. And honestly, I have enough of that going on in my own head as an, often tired, sometimes overwhelmed mum.

The idea here is not that we have any call to expose our worst moments on social media, no, the idea is, in fact, to hopefully stop feeling the need to present a manic, besieged, image of perfection. Your body, your family, your church, your ministry, your children. All of these areas hold some weaknesses for all of us. That’s just a fact.

The problem arises when we let fear force us into presenting ourselves in such a way that we remove all vulnerability. If we are honest about ourselves, we often feel vulnerable. What will people think of us? What if they knew what I’m really like?

Sometimes, in order to help somebody who is struggling, you might need to be honest with them about your own struggles.

If a person comes to you with their weakness, and you look down on them from your fort of false perfection, it will not help them. But, if you open yourself up to vulnerability and humbly share your own imperfections and struggles, but remind them of our righteous position in Christ, you could be a huge blessing to people who need it in this Christmas season.

Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, is the most beautiful example of this. Jesus embraced vulnerability on a scale none of us can ever truly understand. He made this universe. He spoke it into being. By Him all things were created. And yet, for you and for me, for the love of us, He became a baby.

Luke 2:12 tells us, “This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.” What is more vulnerable than a baby? He became completely dependent on the very people He Himself made.

He was helpless. Exposed. Needy. Weak. A baby. But, because Jesus was willing to become vulnerable for our sake, He won salvation for all of us, for all the world. What a gift, what a Savior, what a King! As we remember the good God we serve this Christmas, as we recount His humility and humanity, Hebrews 4:15 tells us, “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are–yet he did not sin.”

Our God was willing to become vulnerable, and because of it, He can relate to us and to our struggles.

Let’s let His example encourage us to be more open and honest with each other this season. 1 John 4:18 says, “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.” Let’s remember we are loved perfectly by a God who has been present in every moment of our lives.

He’s seen the very worst of us and still He loves us. We have nothing to fear. Let’s let that love rule our hearts and allow us to act honestly and humbly to those around us who need us to shine God’s love this Christmas.

Happy Christmas to you all!

“Be on the alert, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. Let all that you do be done in love” (1 Corinthians 16:13-14).

I read the above scripture recently, and was nonplussed for a bit. How do you be brave when you know you are not brave?

Slight digressive disclosure: I am afraid of everything. It’s more than a miracle that I have been a missionary for the last 28 years. I tell prospective missionaries, if I can do it, anybody can, because it doesn’t depend on what I bring to the table. It depends on God. That’s my secret to being a missionary.

But getting back to being brave, another translation is “act like men.” Technically, I am a man. Some guys are really manly: They are often referred to as the alpha male. That’s not me. I’m not much at being a leader, I am not a dominant personality that sways crowds with magnetic charisma. (I’m not whining; I’m okay in my own skin. I do have certain life skills.)

My question was, how do I do what Paul is commanding? Seriously?

I read the next line, and it clicked: Let all that you do be done in love.

I remembered those times that I have loved, I have been utterly fearless.

Like in witnessing. When I love that other person, I have been fearless. If they brush me off, I’m not destroyed. Or I persevere after an initial brush-off, and suddenly, we are having a significant conversation; and the other person doesn’t feel like I’m pushy or obnoxious but realizes that I care. I know that I could be ridiculed or despised, but I don’t care about myself.

I have seen this fearlessness in giving money, in going on outreach trips, confronting people and doing memorial services. I could not have done them if I was concerned about myself.

That’s the great part about love. You can’t worry about yourself and the other guy at the same time. Love is concerned about the other person. That makes love the true bravery. I have been aware that something bad could happen to me. This might cost me. I could lose somehow in all this, but I’m concerned about the other person, not myself. If you were concerned about yourself, it wouldn’t be love.

So then, the challenge is to do everything in love.

Watch out because you live in love. Stand firm in the faith because you love. Be brave because you love. Be strong because you love.

One application of this exhortation is to be humble. If I am going to love, I need to be unconcerned about myself. For this, one needs Jesus.

All I do, on my own, is think about myself. I really need something to happen to me before I can love, and that is the cross. Thank God for the cross of Christ, which ends my life, so I can be joined to Christ raised from the dead.

Arrogance and thinking more highly of myself than is warranted, is out. Paul says, “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.” Philippians 2:3-4 is about love. If we are arrogant, we are not acting in love.

Another application is to love all the time.

There isn’t an appropriate time to not love. Love has to identify us. This makes me think of so-called “discernment” ministries that slice-and-dice the people they think are “off”. When do we get to be arrogant, or slander, or treat others badly?

But for me, this way to truly be brave excites me. Even a guy like me can be fearless legitimately, to be able to do the things God wants me to do. Maybe those things aren’t impressive in themselves, but for a guy who’s really not a Jason Bourne type, it’s significant.

My last article traced an introduction to my experience with panic attacks and this second part closes with further reflections on why I am (unexpectedly) thankful for them. In January of this past year, I took time for my first personal retreat weekend in Cornwall at a stately manor home, with a weekend set aside for reading and reflection in solitude. I have been discovering the richness and joy of the gift of solitude.

I thank God that these panic attacks were a catalyst to allow me to find new ways to listen to God’s voice.

During one of our teaching weeks at St. Mellitus, someone made the comment, “If you cannot hear the voice of God, be encouraged! You are learning to hear Him in new ways.” In the desert places, in the wilderness, in the seeking, in the doubt, I discover the new joy of a faith that has been part of all of my life, and specifically the comfort of the presence of Christ. This doesn’t mean that I have learned spectacular new tricks of hearing God’s voice, but rather that I am seeking God’s presence in ordinary ways, even in my places of pain. As one of the great fathers of the faith wrote, “God cannot guide you in any way that is not Christ-like. Jesus was supreme sanity…God is found most clearly and beneficially in the normal rather than in the abnormal. And Jesus is the Normal, for He is the Norm.”¹

Panic attacks became a plague to my sanity, but Jesus Christ, the great Healer, carried “healing in His wings” (Malachi 4:2) and walked with me, even when I needed to learn to trust Him in new and deeper ways than ever before. I have rediscovered, in the words of John Baillie, that, “…Our knowledge of God rests on the revelation of his personal presence…of such a presence it must be true that to those who have never been confronted with it an argument is useless, whilst to those who have, it is superfluous.”² Before my panic attacks, I was convinced of God’s ability to speak. After my panic attacks and learning to attune to His voice and presence in new ways, I am more convinced than ever of His care and authority in my life.

I thank God that living through my panic attacks has given me a deeper compassion for those struggling with mental health and a gentleness in approaching the conversations around the way our mental, emotional, physical and spiritual lives are interlinked. According to the BBC and the annual health survey for England, “One in four adults has been diagnosed with a mental illness at some stage during their lifetime.”³

Despite the prevalence of this struggle, the topic of mental health and mental illness still feels taboo in much of Christian culture.

I mentioned earlier that I posted about my panic attacks publicly on Facebook (which you can view below). That post, on World Mental Health Day, gathered 600+ responses, 300+ comments, 45 shares, and many responding with their own stories of panic, anxiety, PTSD, shame, fear and heartache. The opportunity to explore these questions publicly has given me the space to seek healing personally and learn with friends. As Brene Brown writes:

“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of light.”⁵

As in so many other spaces of my life, my companions on the journey of pain have spoken grace, truth and light over my struggles.

And finally, I thank God for my panic attacks because they give me an expectation, a confidence, a hope that my God is still the One who brings beauty from ashes (Isaiah 61:1).

My panic attacks drew me closer to the love and person of Jesus Christ.

These struggles enable me to say with clarity, “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28). Through our Spirituality module, we have explored a wide variety of Christian traditions and experience. One reading asked this question, “In short, does Jesus shed light on all aspects of human existence, or only those that have traditionally been associated with Christian spirituality?”⁵ It is a good and necessary question.

To ask it another way, does Jesus have something to say in and through my panic attacks? Is there space for this vocabulary within the breadth of Christian spirituality? Six months later, I can state with resounding confidence: Yes. Not only has Christ been present and brought help, healing and beauty to even the place of great pain and fear, but I have joined the companionship of the missionaries like Studd, the early desert mothers and fathers, the gentle St. Francis of Assisi, the modern Richard Foster to say, quite simply, that Jesus is my portion.

In light of these things, it is appropriate that I am in a continuing teaching and learning study at my home church, Tubestation, titled, Ancient and Awesome, drawing heavily from the classic book, Celebration of Discipline, by Richard Foster. Alongside my church family, I am rediscovering the joy of solitude, the depths of fasting, the intimacy of meditation, the freedom of submission. Like St. Francis, I am discovering that, “Christ wants you to go about in the world preaching, because God did not call you for yourself alone, but also for the salvation of others.”⁶ My journey of learning is far from finished, but my reflections have already proved valuable for the lives of many loved friends. I pray I continue to be brave enough to look at my own places of pain, darkness, panic, fear, distraction and mental health as spaces to invite a God who loves me to reveal more of Himself, even in my weaknesses.

¹ E. Stanley Jones, The Way (Nashville: Abingdon/Cokesbury, 1946), 283.
² John Baillie, Our Knowledge of God (New York: Charles Scribner’s, 1959), 132.³ https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-3…
⁴ Brene Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection (Center City: Hazelden, 2010), 6.
⁵ Marc Cortez, Christological Anthropology in Historical Perspective (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2016), 22.
⁶ Richard Foster, Celebration of Discipline, (London: Hodder & Stoughton, 1989), 223.

There was a time in my life when I was totally paralyzed by fear. I lived in a perpetual panic attack for a period of about six months. At that time, I believed that I was physically sick; I was having strange and terrifying symptoms that were all too real, and I became convinced that I was dying. I lived with the Damocles of imminent death hanging over my head daily, and it was terrifying. I felt I had lost myself to fear; I didn’t recognize myself anymore. Gone was the joyful, fearless girl who had backpacked around the world (often alone). Now she was replaced by someone who was afraid of the dark, afraid of night time, afraid of everything!

Somewhere toward the end of the six-month period of being totally railroaded by the lie that I was sick, and I was going to die, I decided to tentatively look up a support website for anxiety. You must understand, that during this period of panic I didn’t actually realize I was suffering from anxiety, I just thought I was profoundly, physically sick with some catastrophic disease the doctors simply hadn’t discovered yet. When I went on that website and read the list of symptoms people with extreme anxiety suffer from, I couldn’t believe it. They were all my symptoms! Just then, in that moment, I had the fleeting thought, like a ray of light breaking through the clouds, “Maybe I’m not sick; maybe this is all just anxiety.”

That moment of clarity was brief. My fear wouldn’t let me off the hook that easily. But I began to understand that there was a possibility that a lie has taken hold in my mind, and I had to do something about it. From that moment on, I started to fight the lie that told me I was dying. My recovery took two years of hard battle. When I say I fought, and when in this article I speak of fighting, please don’t imagine someone standing tall, boldly declaring the word of God. Rather, picture my lying in on my side, trying to take slow, deep breathes and quietly mumbling, “God has not given me a spirit of fear but of power and love and a sound mind.” During that time, I was so weak, and so in the grip of fear that there was very little more I could do, even praying scared me.

However, by continuously repeating God’s truth in the face of the lies of fear, deliverance came. I have not suffered from any form of panic attacks or anxiety for over five years. God has brought total deliverance and restoration to me, and He will do the same for you.

FEAR WILL TELL YOU THERE IS NO WAY OUT

In order to understand God’s power over fear, let’s look at 2 Kings chapter six. Here there is a story about Elisha and the king of Syria. This king was continuously and relentlessly attempting to attack and defeat Israel. However his plans were always thwarted because God spoke to Elisha and told him where the Syrians were waiting in ambush to attack Israel. In this way God protected his people from the attacks of the Syrians. The king of Syria became so frustrated that he found out where Elisha was and sent “horses and chariots and a great army, they came by night and surrounded the city” (2 Kings 6:14). This is a great metaphor for how fear works. It likes to come at night, by the cover of dark. It likes to make us feel like we are surrounded, like there are no options for us, as though there is no way out. It closes in on us and paralyzes us until its surrounding presence is all that we know, and it captures our mind in its vice like a grip. There it holds us and presses and presses, and it will not relent. This is the home of anxiety and panic attacks. This is where fear is in it’s element, holding your mind captive in the grip of it’s all pervasive lies.

FEAR WILL MAKE YOU FEEL HELPLESS

When Elisha’s servant woke in the morning, he saw that they were surrounded by a huge army. He ran to Elisha and lamented, “Alas master, what shall we do? This is a cry that many in the throws of fear have uttered. What shall I do; what shall I do? This is a feeling of being helpless, of not knowing what step to take next or how to find a way out. This helplessness is a lie; it is not true, but in the moment it feels so totally encompassing that any place of comfort and help seem far too distant to even be considered.

When the servant came to Elisha with his fear, Elisha said, “Do not be afraid for those who are with us are more than those who are with them” ( 2 Kings 6:17). Elisha then prayed to God and asked him to open his servant’s eyes, and his servant saw “the mountain was filled with horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha.” There is wonderful news for those of you who are in the grip of fear, while it may seem that you are surrounded and there is no way out. In fact, there is more with us than than there is with them! It is time to stop believing the lies of fear that have been gripping your mind for so long. It is time to fight those lies with the truth of God. The truth is that the fear that is defeating you daily is in fact a defeated foe. The power of God “his chariots of fire” are greater than the lies of your fear. It is time to open your eyes to the power of God and allow His truth to defeat the work of fear in your life.

IT’S TIME TO FIGHT

As I already mentioned, fear will not relent, so if you continue to let it railroad you, then that is what it will continue to do. It will not take a break and say, “Oh well, that’s enough for today, I’ll leave that poor defeated soul alone for a while now.” No! It will just keep on crushing you. This means you need to take action. You need to fight the lies of fear with the truth of God.

2 Corinthians 10.5 tells us that, “We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.” This is not an instruction to be passive but to be active. The imperative form of the verb, “take every thought…” is a command. It is an action we are being told to take rather than something God is going to do for us. The fact is, God has already done it all. He has already won victory for us over fear, but it is up to us to hold up that victory in the face of fear, to bring our every fearful thought into obedience with the truth of the victory Christ has won for us at the cross.

Back in 2 Kings, the “lofty argument” was that they were surrounded by enemy armies, but the truth was the fiery armies of God were also surrounding them; and they were much greater and more powerful than the armies of their enemies. What “lofty arguments” have taken hold in your mind? And what is the higher truth that can be used to defeat these destructive lies of fear? Here’s an example of God’s truth in the face of fear: “Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand” (Isaiah 41:10).

FEAR WILL BOW TO THE TRUTH OF GOD

Remember God’s truth is greater than the lies you have been so thoroughly believing. To tear down those lies will take work, really hard work. It is the action of taking those lies captive and in their place, establishing the truth of God. But at the end of that journey lies freedom. In fact the freedom is already won, but to allow it to work in your life takes work from you.

Perhaps you think you are too far gone. Perhaps you think you have lost yourself forever to the grip of fear. I know what that feels like because I have had those very thoughts myself. Let me tell you, it is not true! There is hope for total restoration and complete freedom from fear for you. I know this to be true because I have experienced it in my own life. When fear comes in like a flood, with all its lies and convincing arguments, hold up the truth of God’s word, take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. Know that those lies will not persist indefinitely; they will eventually bow their knee to the truth of God.

I will never forget the day I received the hospital bill in our mailbox. I was having a particularly cheerful day up until that moment. As I reached in and perused the typical “junk” advertisements for a car lot sale, coupons for Memorial Day closeouts and an invitation to an exotic getaway cruise to the Caribbean, I began opening a letter addressed to my wife and I from the hospital. She had given birth to our son who was born two months premature due to a placental abruption. Thankfully, he was home and healthy, thanks to the incredible work of the nurses and doctors of the neonatal intensive care unit. We knew our insurance would be covering most of the bill, but here was the final verdict in my hands at last. I opened the letter and almost collapsed. It stated that our insurance refused coverage, and we owed the hospital around $115,000! Needless to say, I decided the Caribbean cruise could be our escape from the country before we had to pay the money…

For the entire day, I paced the house frantically. I prayed constantly. I spoke with my wife, and our conversation was vigorous and stressful. I texted my friends and asked them to intercede for us. I looked at the letter over and over again with contempt, asking God why He would do this to us. That day stands in my life as a textbook example of anxiety. And little did I know it would all change with a simple phone call later that evening…

Consider the things that make you and me anxious.

Finances, health, relationships, public speaking or losing something. Maybe it is the fear of something much more ordinary, like traffic or the to-do list in front of you today. Many people are anxious about failing or even succeeding. They begin worrying about the outcomes of situations, and then allow that worry to consume them. Eventually, their heart rate and blood pressure rise. They eat less (or more!) and unhealthily. They lose sleep. They grow exhausted and lash out at people they are in relationship with. Soon their thoughts consume them and cripple them. The peace that could be theirs is void, and every day becomes another futile exercise in fear. Some people turn to medication or therapy to help them cope with the difficulties. And it all stems from anxiety.

The Scriptures aren’t silent about anxiety.

Paul tells the Philippian church plainly: “The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:5b-7).

Did you catch that? “Do not be anxious about anything.” That pretty much sums it up! We aren’t to allow our minds to succumb to anxious thoughts but to bring our concerns in prayer and gratitude to the Lord. And we are promised that His peace (which is far greater than the peace that comes from understanding) will guard our hearts and our minds in Christ Jesus.

I’m reminded of the time Jesus’ disciples were faced with almost certain death. They were in a boat crossing the Sea of Galilee. This sea has a reputation for fierce squalls appearing virtually out of nowhere and becoming life-threatening within minutes. When this happened, notice what Jesus was doing:

“And when he got into the boat, his disciples followed him. And behold, there arose a great storm on the sea, so that the boat was being swamped by the waves; but he was asleep. And they went and woke him, saying, ‘Save us, Lord; we are perishing.’ And he said to them, ‘Why are you afraid, O you of little faith?’ Then he rose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm. And the men marveled, saying, “What sort of man is this, that even winds and sea obey him?” (Matthew 8:23-27).

The disciples had every “right” to be anxious. Matthew points out that the storm was “great,” and that the boat was being swamped by the waves. This wasn’t a small storm, this was a strong tempest that had the potential to capsize the boat and drown all 13 of them. Because of that, they had every right and reason to be worried. No doubt they were probably trying to steer the boat safely, protecting themselves and seeking to expel the water that had swamped the boat. But what was Jesus doing?

Jesus was asleep. As the wind was howling, the waves were rising, the water crashing, the disciples screaming, the storm threatening, Jesus wasn’t worried. He was at rest. The disciples woke Him up and asked Him to save them. His response is telling: “Why are you afraid, O you of little faith?” That seems like an easy question to answer. “Why are we afraid? Because of certain death! Because of the wind! Because of the waves! Because our boat is about to sink!” But Jesus gets to the root of fear and anxiety: It is rooted in a lack of faith.

Anxiety is, in its truest definition, insubordination. It is a lack of faith.

Think about it, when we are anxious, we are placing our faith, rest and peace in circumstantial providence, not in sovereign providence. We think that by worrying about a problem, we will solve it. Worrying solves the problem no faster than ignoring it. Both of these are unbiblical responses and will only lead to hardship. We must submit it to the Lord.

We have a choice with every anxious thought to either bear it on our shoulders, ignore it and hope it disappears, or to cast it on the Lord, knowing He cares for us (1 Peter 5:7). Today, as you are reading this, what are you anxious about? Are you dealing with the problem or pretending it will go away? Are you harboring worry and fear in your mind or bringing the problem to Jesus? The disciples may have been afraid, but I like that they brought their concern to Jesus. Immediately, He rebuked the winds and the sea, and Matthew says “There was a great calm.” Is Jesus concerned about your problem? Is He capable of handling it?

The night I received the hospital bill, I made a phone call to our insurance company. Apparently there had been a billing glitch, and they apologized and said to disregard the bill. They would fully cover it! I fell out of my chair and ran around the room exclaiming God’s goodness. I had wasted an entire day stressing about an issue that didn’t even exist. I learned a valuable lesson that day: My job is not to live as a practical atheist, attempting to best God at His work. I needed to simply submit and rest and trust that either this was Him testing me or proving me, but even if we owed triple that amount, He would be glorified in and through our lives.

If we are subordinate to God’s authority and provision in our lives, we won’t step out of order and bear the responsibility of the outcome of our situations. God is sovereignly working all things for His glory and our ultimate good, and we need to trust that. If we will submit to His Lordship and rest, we will like Jesus be at peace in the boat no matter what storms rage around us. Even if that boat ends up being a cruise ship to the Caribbean.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned living in a massive city like Paris, it’s that distraction is often times an attractive means to hide uncertainty.

When we were hit with the terrorist attacks, there was a time of grief and shock, especially as the media constantly reminded us of the horrors of what happened. After the initial shock of the terrorist attacks of November 13th, everyone longed for the day we would wake up, and life would go on. Our conversations would vacillate between what we had all just been through, while trying to keep up in this increasingly busy world. First there was the COP 21, the ecologists new hope for protecting the earth. Though people were touched by the historic treaty, and it struck with the world’s leaders, there was still an atmosphere of uncertainty. Then, we moved into the Christmas season. It took some time for people to feel safe in shopping centers, but steps were taken to ensure public safety. In the end, it worked, and the holidays were celebrated a little more quietly than years past. Now, we are back to work, and there is much uncertainty: politics, world economy, immigration, new laws, and more protection. So, the train of life moves forward, even over a road of new distractions that masks uncertainty and covers fear.

Uncertainty can help us seek the only One who is constant no matter what we face.

Fear can even be a gift. I’m reminded of that when I’m on a high place, and I feel dizzy apprehension. Fear can actually protect me and send me into fight-or-flight to get me out of a threatening situation. Fear and uncertainty can also be crippling. That’s why the world’s answer of distraction is so attractive. What can be a better way to forget than to watch the Force Awakens in 3D a fourth time or more refreshing than to expend nervous energy in a gym? At least we’re not immobile; at least we are not letting the terrorists win!

At the same time, I’ve seen something else happening. Many churches are spending time praying, praying together, and praying for each other. As we’ve taken the occasion to reach out, we’ve seen that people on the street are receptive to the Gospel. Yet I also noticed the temptation to give into fear and live in distraction. There are still some people who are afraid to go out, and there are others who purposely haven’t slowed down. These very different movements are present in daily life, both hoping to shape our days, and in the end, our tomorrow’s. This is what brings me again and again to the voice of Paul at a dark time in his life when he was writing his last letter to his dear friend Timothy.

2 Timothy 1:7, “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.”

As I look back to this verse, I’m reminded of what I’ve been given. It’s done. In fact, it happened long before I was born. The day Jesus rose again, He went to visit His disciples who were also facing uncertain times and fear. He appeared in the midst of them, breathing on them, and giving them the Spirit. I can’t help but notice He didn’t first say, “Yeah, things are pretty bad, but just try to think about something else. Go to the gym or go watch a movie, and by the way, here’s the Spirit!” No, it was more like, “Peace be with you; receive the Spirit.” I feel that’s a message for us in this time.

Jesus knows the difficulty, and I rather think He is more interested in filling us with peace than letting us flow in the wave of distraction or sink in the pit of fear.

God surely didn’t give me a Spirit of fear, so why should I hold on to it?

What He gave, though, is everything I want to cling to, and really, what we need today! The verse says power. Power to live in such a way that glorifies Jesus in a rapidly changing world that is seeking its solutions in the glory of man. It’s not an election year in France, but many of the same issues are being brought up that I see in the US news. We are looking for someone who can lead the way to better international relations, a more prosperous economy… Many are pessimistic about what they see, but I’m not. God has the power to open doors for the Gospel, and He’s doing it in many unexpected ways.

In the same way, we need love to live out the Gospel in a time when many denounce hate, and yet, can hatefully marginalize their political opponents or professional rivals. There is a real social debate that has opened up with the presence of our new immigrants and our efforts to increase security. Love is what I need when I want to share with nationals that feel invaded, as well as refugees fighting to find a new way of life and many that are returning back to where they came from. Love that is stronger than fear; love poured out in my heart by the Spirit.

Lastly, we need to keep our wits about us. We need a sound mind to keep it all in perspective as the world continues its spin out of control. Having a sound mind is a strength as it answers the unreasonable questions fear and uncertainty use to cripple us. This is why I’m so thankful for Jesus’ solution. It’s much more healthy and hopeful – His Spirit, bringing a new hope for a new day.